There Are Still Many Tears To Dry.........

When I was a little girl, I didn't get to play much with dolls or spend time on play dates. I wasn't allowed to hang around with friends and have sleep overs and go shopping to malls. We didn't have a puppy or cat. We did play outdoors as long as I was watching my younger siblings and as long as we stayed within a certain play area. At Christmas time, I remember receiving one of those little dolls that had arm and legs held together by rubber bands and the minute you tried to twist the arms or legs, they would break. I would find another rubber band and somehow find a way to fix it. The other types of dolls I got were the paper dolls that came with paper clothes with tabs to fold back behind the doll. Ladies, you know the kind I am talking about-don't you? In those days, our parents could not afford fancy Barbie type dolls and all the accessories that came with them. Also, when I was allowed to play, those times were infrequent. I cherished those precious moments and I savored them like they were the last time. You see if my father found me playing I was usually scolded and or beaten and told to find chores to do. I was only nine or ten then.

There were many times when I would coerce my brothers and sister to grab (I think we borrowed it) a red wagon and run down the hill where the neighbors had lots of fruit trees. There were apple, pears and cherry trees in the neighborhood where we lived in New Jersey. We were so young and did not know the difference between ripe fruit and unripened fruit. But,anyhow,as one of us climbed the tree one of the other siblings would keep a look out for either my father, who would come looking for us, or the neighbor who owned the fruit trees. After we collected our bounty, we would find a hiding spot to eat the fruit. Have you ever had unripened apples or pears? Not very tasty! When my father found us, out came the thick belt and he would chase us as we ran crying and screaming back into the house because we knew severe punishment was waiting.

The above story is meant to give you a small insight and sampling as to how I spent some of my childhood. I want to impress upon my readers that much of what happens in our childhood affects how we grow up and how we are shaped as adults if we allow it! We can either get lost in the past and what did or did not happen and cast blame for everything that goes wrong in our adulthood, or we can use the past as a catalyst to improve our lives and find fun and happiness. Just because I am grown up, does not mean that I cannot find ways to be that little girl. I have the freedom to do as I please. There is no longer that threat of being beaten or to live in fear. I can play with dolls if I want. I can and do hug the little girl in me. I nurture her and tell her I love her and she is learning how to play without being afraid. The little girl in me is learning to take time off and do absolutely nothing or to ask what I want without reservation. I do not allow biological years to deter me from spending moments with her. There are still many tears to dry and loving words to say.

If you were to visit my home at this time of year, the first thing you would see is all the Santa Claus figures adorning my home. Most of them are musical and have motion at the touch of a button. There are many other figures, all Holiday related which make my home look like a Christmas Shop. My wonderful husband indulges me and contributes to the collection yearly. My Christmas tree has been put up with the help of my grandsons and stands regally adorned with festive ornaments and treasured momentos. In another week, the house will be alive with the laughter and chatter of five grandchildren for the first time in ten years. My grown children and spouses will be home for Christmas! There will be lots of playing going on and there will be much happiness and fun!!!!!

Breaking From Tradition-Doing My Own Thing!!!

I've been thinking a lot lately about the effects of alcoholism on the pecking order of the siblings in my family. For example, in my family there are (7) siblings of which 4 are male and 3 female. I am the second eldest and the oldest of the females. Now, Why would this be on my mind so much, you might ask? Well, let me put it this way, although we have all grown up to be decent, good citizens, well-educated and law abiding, we all have our quirks and personality differences. Understandably, I was not the only one of my siblings to suffer from my father's drinking. I would not be so selfish as to want to stake that claim. And I certainly don't want that label as my claim to fame. My father's heavy drinking took it's toll on all of us. My mother's inability or refusal to remove us from that environment, did not help us either. Her cultural background and her religious convictions would not permit her to even contemplate leaving him and removing us from that way of life.

The seven of us get along, however, there are cliques among some of them. For instance, my two sisters are closer to each other and exclude me from many things. The youngest sister is actually 19 years younger than me. So, we really don't have much in common and for some reason no matter how hard I try to infiltrate the clique, nothing seems to work. They in turn get along well with one of my middle brothers and our oldest brother. Sounds confusing doesn't it? Most of my brothers and sisters basically just tolerate me. They are all very obliging to my parents especially to mom.Mom is "queen bee"-self-proclaimed and we are never allowed to forget that. My sisters call mom at least twice a day. I call once a week. So, guess what? That makes me a bad daughter and sister in their opinion. Most of the time they are all oblivious to each other even when in the same room. Oh, don't get me wrong. There are greetings and fake kisses or what I like to call "air kisses" on major get togethers like Mother's Day, Christmas or whatever function. The rest of the time, none of them remembers anything about prior conversations or even what is currently happening. They all live in a me,me world and that is the only important thing. If I do anything to deviate from what they believe or think should happen, they get angry because I do not follow their rules. In other words, they take their toys and go home!
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Here is a perfect example and what got me thinking about this situation. Traditionally, the whole family unites for Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mother's Day, Father's Day and even to celebrate a broken toe if so ordered. This year, I chose to accept an invitation to celebrate Thanksgiving with my daughter-in-laws parents and family.How dare I do that! So, my husband, me,my son,his wife and little ones all went to Orlando and had a marvelous time. Every one talked and laughed and were interested in us and actually engaged in two way conversations. How novel! I haven't heard from my sisters who were not thrilled with my break from tradition.........

(to be continued.........)

Giving Thanks Every Day And Every Day is Thanksgiving!

This year I have many things to be thankful for. My nature, generally, is to show gratitude for everything that the Universe and God send me........no matter how good or how bad. I have learned throughout my life that there is a reason and a purpose for what happens to us. Maybe, my life has turned out very well because I spend lots of time in thanksgiving. I do not need a special day of the year or a predetermined time to give thanks. I have made it a practice to do it daily. From the moment I get up in the morning until I go to bed at night, I am constantly mindful of the many blessing that I have in my life! I'd like to share with you what I am especially thankful for this Thanksgiving Day!

I am Thankful for my beautiful 11 month old granddaughter who was born last December. When she was born she immediately suffered a stroke and needed to be sent to a special baby hospital for 6 days. She was prescribed anti-seizure medication which she no longer needs. If you saw her now there is no evidence of the stroke and we are just waiting to see her walk. She is meeting every mark. She is the love of our lives.

I am Thankful that I am recovering from the surgical removal of a tumor from my lower back, which could have been detrimental to my health. I have been cancer free for 2 years. I still suffer from back pain but considering the alternative, I am very happy.

I am Thankful for my wonderful husband who is like an Angel sent by God. I believe he came into my life as a consolation for all the horrible things I experienced while growing up and also the abuse I suffered in my adult years. Because of him, I have reconciled with my adult son.

I am Thankful for the reconciliation with my only son. They say God works in mysterious ways. My son, his wife and children have moved from Missouri and have been living with us since May while they get on their feet. He lost his job and they had no other family near by. We (my husband and I) went up to Missouri and moved them to Florida. This will be our first Thanksgiving Day in 10 years! We are now very close and have agreed to leave the past behind.

I am Thankful that we get to enjoy a wonderful Thanksgiving with my son, my daughter in law and the grandchildren. We are spending the day at her parent's home, as this is the first time she has been near her family in years.

I am also Thankful that in the last couple of years I have found the courage to excuse myself from spending the holidays with my dysfunctional family. I choose to surround myself with love, tenderness and my new found family. I have never felt so much peace and comfort.

Happy Thanksgiving To All! May you spend your holiday surrounded by love and tenderness!!!

Memories Deeply Buried Come Rushing Thru!!!

Tonight, as I was getting settled for bed, the phone rang and I received one of those dreaded phone call. It was my mother and she sounded like she has been crying. She called to tell me that her only living brother, who had suffered a stroke earlier that week has passed away. As it was later discovered, he has discontinued taking his medicine for high blood pressure and was not following doctors orders. I listened and wished her my deepest sorrow for her loss. She also wanted to let me know that she would be flying out to Puerto Rico in the morning.

Poor mom she was really grieving his loss and I hope that she will be able to deal with her pain. Maybe the chance to see her other siblings will help out I haven't seen my uncle in many years, however when mom gave me the news, it hit me like a ton of bricks. You see, when we were little we always looked forward to their visits. They would come bearing gifts like cookies, and candy. They added normalcy to my not normal world. He would visit; I got to laugh and have fun. So, tonight has been very difficult and I have been having old memories rushing in and I reveled in them and I have also said good bye.

Please excuse my post as I am not thinking right now...........I need to get back to my memories!

From Adult Child Of Alcoholic Father To Mother Without Operating Instructions!How Dare I Come Without A How To Parent Manual!!!\

When growing up in Newark, NJ, and later in Chicago, Illinois, it never occurred to me that my family life was not normal. As far as I was concerned, every home had a father and mother who lived in turmoil and constant battle. Every child came home to find dad in a drunken stupor and mom sitting off in a corner seething mad. I accepted the fact that your parents had the right to take out their anger on the children and that it was no one's business. Back in those days, there was no such thing as calling the authorities. Besides, I was too frightened to even think about such a thing.

Alright now fast forward to my life as an adult with children. I always knew that one day, I would be a mom and I also knew that I would not have a large family. Helping to raise 6 brothers and sisters was all I needed to remind me why I wouldn't..........I was a mom at the tender age of 9 if you also take into consideration that I did help raise my siblings and I had no choice. But, as an adult and at the young age of 21 I became a mom for the first time. I was so happy to be pregnant and I wanted my baby. My husband at the time was someone I had met from the neighborhood I lived in, when we moved to Chicago in my senior year of high school. He was more experienced than I was and had alot of street smarts as well. We decided to get married because I thought I was in love. I"m not sure what he thought! He was my knight in shining armor. He rescued me. I was so anxious to get out of the house. What did I know? And how was I to know that I would still be living the same life as before, but with a different person.

I had seem the signs but ignored them.........I was naive and anxious to start my own life. Maybe it was the time that my husband punched me in the stomach when I was 8 months pregnant or was it the time his girlfriends would call the house asking for him............or maybe when he left me alone with a sick baby with no money and no way to get to the drug store to get medicine......Do you see the pattern? My life was normal because it was normal when I was growing up. I would repeat and allow this behavior a second time (baby #2) and a 3rd time and again. By the time I was 38, I had been married 4 times. I kept marrying my father-I was attracting and marrying the same type as my father.

My son is now 38 years old and he and I have had many challenges in our relationship. We were estranged for a number of years.He resented the choices I made of the men I married. He was also angry with me for many things I was not even aware of. He kept many pent up feelings deep down and it showed for many years. Now we are working on our relationship. However, last night we had a very emotional blow out regarding something that was brought up from our long ago past. You see I did not come with a HOW TO PARENT MANUAL. I was suppose to be perfect and was not allowed to make mistakes! My son expects me to put aside anything that ever happened to me as a child and not to use my upbringing as excuses for my behavior. But, he isn't willing to do the same for me.

When We Forgive Can We Truly Forget And Leave The Past Behind?- Do The Scars of Abuse Last A Lifetime?

Recently, my elderly Father was visiting my husband and me while my Mother was on a trip to visit her sister, who was in a nursing home in Puerto Rico. Now, as an adult, I have had a fairly good relationship with both of my parents. That is one of the reasons why when my mom has to leave my dad to go on a trip, he comes to stay with my husband and me, although I have other siblings living close by. My father is incapable of doing certain things for himself and needs help with meals. Besides, he loves my husband Max and tells everyone that we treat him like a "king". He truly enjoys the pampering he receives from us!

My father quit drinking a long time ago when he retired. He is now 87 years old and a different person than he was when he drank. Now, he is a broken down, sickly man who by the grace of God has been taken care of by his family and no longer remembers the tyrant he was years ago. He is funny and sharp as a tack. He is up to date on current events and watches CNN news daily. On Sundays, when he can't attend Mass at Church, he watches it on TV. He is still demanding and expects to be attended to right now and refuses to be ignored. But, he is a different man. He is no longer the menacing mean abusive drunk that he used to be. And I am no longer the little girl who was terrified of him!

Now is now and then was then.........I have heard that no matter what happens in your youth, that you should leave it behind because it is over. You must live in the present. You can't do anything about the past. All of the modern day Guru's tell you that when you hold on to the past you are only hurting yourself. It is time to move on.........They tell you to Forgive and Forget!
Well, I have forgiven. But, am I able to Forget? I have my moments................there are many triggers that set me off. I still have a difficult time when I see daddy's with their little girls. I wanted to be daddy's little girl! I cringe when I hear arguing and yelling. I can still after all of these years, when I close my eyes, remember cowering and hiding from my dad. And I remember that my mother never came to my rescue...........

When my father was visiting the last time, he proceeded to tell my husband Max that he was happy and ready to go to the great beyond. He said that one thing he was the most proud of was that he never laid a hand on me. I was standing near the sink when he said that, and I immediately broke down and shouted to him that he was not telling the truth. I got very upset and he seemed very surprised by my reaction. I told him that he hit me every chance he got and was very abusive to me especially when he drank which was all the time. My old, frail father got up from the chair and came over to me and asked me not to cry and apologized for any wrong he may have committed. In front of my husband, my father said he was sorry!

It was near bed time and he went into his bedroom. I followed him and told him that he didn't have to worry about whether my siblings and I hold ill feelings. I told him I forgave him and that my siblings have forgiven him. He was so relieved and I could tell that he was. It's been a heavy burden for him because he did not want to die without forgiveness from his children, especially forgiveness from me........I guess when you are in the winter of your life, you think about such things!

I gently kissed my dad and told him that I loved him and that it was over...........I told him to rest comfortably and know that he was forgiven and that he needed to go to bed and not to worry any more...............I told him to forget about everything!

I have Forgiven him and I am trying to Forget.............that may take a little longer!!!

Move On And Move Forward!!!

I live in Sunny Florida, in a beautiful house with an enclosed swimming pool and we are surrounded by a beautiful lake. When I get up in the morning, I grab my nice hot cup of coffee and newspaper and sit outside on the patio to enjoy the beautiful fresh air, the large majestic Cranes who make the lake their home, and all of the lush Palm trees and greenery which frame our property. This is my Paradise!

In the last week since my last post, I have been feeling very poorly. Ever since the surgery on my back in 2004, I tend to have wonderful days and then there are some not so wonderful days. The not so wonderful days I spend mostly in bed due to excruciating pain when I walk. For some reason, unknown to me, I seemed worse this last week. No matter what I tried, pain pills, stretches, resting in bed, yoga etc. nothing worked and I found myself walking hunched over more than the "Hunch-Back of Notre Dame". (That was one of my favorite films by the way). Anyway, being a student of metaphysics and the art of Positive Thinking, it finally hit me that maybe my recent bout with severe back pain may actually have something to do with how I have been feeling spiritually and also emotionally.

I am not a religious person but, I am Spiritual. I am the type that gives thanks for everything good or bad constantly count my blessing, and they are many. I usually walk out on the patio and in the stillness and silence of the night, offer prays of gratitude to the Universe and the Spirits that guide me. But, I think I had been forgetting to ask for blessings for myself. I was just accepting my fate and never bothered to say that I wanted help healing and getting rid of my pain. I believe that comes from many things in my childhood where I was not allowed to ask for anything or maybe did not feel deserving of it.

So, after suffering through a rough weekend, yesterday morning something was different. I was feeling sad and at the same time angry.I was very angry that I needed a cane to help me walk. I wanted to throw the cane into the lake. While sitting out on my beautiful patio and enjoying the beautiful morning, a little voice in me told me to re-examine the events of the previous week. There were some personal things happening in my life. How had I been processing this? Was I internalizing and not speaking up or letting off steam? And like a lightning strike it hit me!! I had some pent up anger.......which literally stopped me in my tracks. I could not MOVE ON or did not want to MOVE FORWARD until these issues were resolved. Needless to say, the opportunity presented itself yesterday near dinner time. I had a heated exchange with my darling husband and I was able to let off some steam and finally open up about somethings that were bothering me. We were at an impasse, so I just went off for a quiet drive to clear my mind and to cry. When I got back I felt wonderful. I still had to use the cane, but my soul felt better.

This morning as I grabbed my cup of coffee and newspaper and walked out on the patio, my husband greeted me with a kiss, the morning air seemed even fresher and the lake was more beautiful than ever...............oh and the cane? Well, it sits alone in a corner of my bedroom!!

So, did you get a Trick or a Treat?

Halloween has come and gone and as I sit here thinking about how much fun I had celebrating the holiday with my children and grandchildren, receiving trick or treaters at my front door and reminiscing about how we celebrated as children, I was reminded of a few of my favorite stories.

Now, keep in mind in my previous post I gave you some insight into my tormented childhood so some of this may be funny and some of this maybe sad.

Today's kids really have it made! Don't they? Their parents begin preparing for Halloween weeks in advance. They buy lots of candy to pass out. They take the kids shopping for costumes. They prepare elaborate parties...............and they still have time to take the kiddies trick or treating! Why, many of the parents even drink their cocktails while they stroll along as their sweet little ones run up to the front door full of anticipation of what goodies they will receive. My own grandchildren and nephews were so wired and excited about going trick or treating that they did not even remember that they hate most candies. I think it was more the ritual and knowing that their friends would be out- that mattered most.

On the other hand, when I was growing up, I had to cook dinner for my parents and siblings before I could even think about doing something so foolish as dressing up for Halloween. We were not allowed to go out trick or treating when we were little and my parents would not think of participating in any such nonsense. They weren't what you might call the touchy feely type. They did not get excited about the things children were excited about. They had their own agendas and they did not include children.

I recall one Halloween that I was especially looking forward to as I was being allowed to go out with some of my friends to trick or treat. I planned the whole day so that I wouldn't do anything wrong or that I would upset my parents in any way. I had chores to do after school as usual. I also had to make dinner. Dinner was to include white rice and I went diligently about preparing the meal on time so that I could wear my costume and be ready when my parents came home from work.

Well, we were all in for a surprise. You see, I used a strong cleaner to clean the pot I cooked the rice in and did not rinse well enough. The outcome was that when dinner was served my rice tasted like something similar to Lysol and boy was my mother angry! She made me clean the pot again and start over after she slapped me across the face while belittling me for not paying attention to what I was doing. Needless to say, I did not get to go out that night! I was heart broken but, I can laugh now however, then was a different story.

Another vivid memory I have was back in Oct. of 1956. At the time, my parents were the superintendents of a six apartment building in Newark, NJ where I grew up. My mother was also very pregnant with my brother (who is now a State Senator in Illinois). Imagine that! Anyway, you guessed it, it was Halloween night and my siblings and I were left home alone to fend for ourselves while my father took mom to the hospital.

We were so intrigued by what was going on outside and went from window to window watching the children trick or treating in their bright colored costumes with their parents by their side. Some how, one of us got the idea to make our own candy to pass out to the kids who knocked on our door. We didn't have anything to give the kids and remember we were kids ourselves. Well, we had lots of Bazooka bubblegum rappers. Our neighbor worked at a candy factory and would give us candy from time to time. My older brother, myself and two younger siblings proceeded to rap small pieces of white bar soap into the bubble gum rapper and as the kids came knocking we passed out our version of Halloween goodies. Now while this seemed mean spirited believe me when I tell you that we did not mean it to be. We felt left out and you know children when left to their own devises?

There was a lesson, however, in those two examples of my Halloween experiences. Let me see, they both involved soap. They both involved me. You know something I believe in Karma. I paid for the mischief of placing soap in bubblegum rappers. Oh well, those kids never knew who gave them the soap..........at least I don't think so. Oh, have I told you the one about feeding my brothers mud pies and telling them they were chocolate?

Next time, I will be telling you about some of my current exploits.......see you soon!!
Angiez
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The Story Continues......

I can't believe how quickly time flies..........It's been more than a year since I've blogged! So much has happened, we sold our house (yes in this economy),bought a new house, became a new grandmother again #7, moved my son and his family including new grandbaby to Florida, and my darling husband was fired from his job. They called it downsizing........downsizing my foot, and I've started new Internet businesses all while recuperating from the dreaded back surgery (refer to my previous blog). Now, don't misunderstand me, I'm no martyr.While I have been suffering excruciating pain and discomfort since I had surgery in 2004, I will admit that I have had a little pain relief thanks to Dr. Pain Pills..........If you know what I mean. All very legal and necessary. Anyway, I feel the need to vent so here goes........

In this last year, I have learned that I am a very strong woman. Not only strong physically but, mentally as well. I learned that I can do anything and experience anything and that in the end I will be OK. It has taken me some 50 years to come to the realization that I was born to live a challenging and tumultuous life! Forgive me if I sound like a victim - I promise you I am NOT at all a victim. I am a SURVIVOR!!!!

In my previous Blog, I was telling you about about my upbringing. I was raised in a very strict Catholic home with two parents, a mother who was emotionally absent and a father well, lets just say he was alcoholically challenged. I grew up with a house full of siblings, 4 brothers and 2 sisters. A total of 7 including myself. I am the second eldest and the eldest of the sisters. I was a very sensitive child and at the same time I was hard as nails. When you grow up in a latino household, as the eldest daughter I was expected to do many chores as well as take care of my siblings. Most of the time I was trying to outrun my father who was always drunk and for some reason he always felt compelled to physically abuse and torture me. I was so afraid of him that I dreaded being in the same room with him. There is a lot that I could tell you but, I won't due to the bad memories and the pain it still causes me to even think about those days.That is no exaggeration! Anyway, I managed to be an excellent student and found a safe haven in my school work and school activities.If there was something going on after school, I found a way to participate so that I wouldn't have to go home in the hopes of avoiding my father. I would get home in time to prepare dinner before my mother got home from work. My hard work at school paid off as I was consistently on the Honor Roll and graduated from High School with a 3.7 gpa. Little did I know that mydisfunctional upbringing would haunt me all thru my adult life and that mentally I would continue to try to "outrun" my father................to be continued.

I promise that I will write again very soon.

Good Night!
Angiez
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