Giving Thanks Every Day And Every Day is Thanksgiving!

This year I have many things to be thankful for. My nature, generally, is to show gratitude for everything that the Universe and God send me........no matter how good or how bad. I have learned throughout my life that there is a reason and a purpose for what happens to us. Maybe, my life has turned out very well because I spend lots of time in thanksgiving. I do not need a special day of the year or a predetermined time to give thanks. I have made it a practice to do it daily. From the moment I get up in the morning until I go to bed at night, I am constantly mindful of the many blessing that I have in my life! I'd like to share with you what I am especially thankful for this Thanksgiving Day!

I am Thankful for my beautiful 11 month old granddaughter who was born last December. When she was born she immediately suffered a stroke and needed to be sent to a special baby hospital for 6 days. She was prescribed anti-seizure medication which she no longer needs. If you saw her now there is no evidence of the stroke and we are just waiting to see her walk. She is meeting every mark. She is the love of our lives.

I am Thankful that I am recovering from the surgical removal of a tumor from my lower back, which could have been detrimental to my health. I have been cancer free for 2 years. I still suffer from back pain but considering the alternative, I am very happy.

I am Thankful for my wonderful husband who is like an Angel sent by God. I believe he came into my life as a consolation for all the horrible things I experienced while growing up and also the abuse I suffered in my adult years. Because of him, I have reconciled with my adult son.

I am Thankful for the reconciliation with my only son. They say God works in mysterious ways. My son, his wife and children have moved from Missouri and have been living with us since May while they get on their feet. He lost his job and they had no other family near by. We (my husband and I) went up to Missouri and moved them to Florida. This will be our first Thanksgiving Day in 10 years! We are now very close and have agreed to leave the past behind.

I am Thankful that we get to enjoy a wonderful Thanksgiving with my son, my daughter in law and the grandchildren. We are spending the day at her parent's home, as this is the first time she has been near her family in years.

I am also Thankful that in the last couple of years I have found the courage to excuse myself from spending the holidays with my dysfunctional family. I choose to surround myself with love, tenderness and my new found family. I have never felt so much peace and comfort.

Happy Thanksgiving To All! May you spend your holiday surrounded by love and tenderness!!!

Memories Deeply Buried Come Rushing Thru!!!

Tonight, as I was getting settled for bed, the phone rang and I received one of those dreaded phone call. It was my mother and she sounded like she has been crying. She called to tell me that her only living brother, who had suffered a stroke earlier that week has passed away. As it was later discovered, he has discontinued taking his medicine for high blood pressure and was not following doctors orders. I listened and wished her my deepest sorrow for her loss. She also wanted to let me know that she would be flying out to Puerto Rico in the morning.

Poor mom she was really grieving his loss and I hope that she will be able to deal with her pain. Maybe the chance to see her other siblings will help out I haven't seen my uncle in many years, however when mom gave me the news, it hit me like a ton of bricks. You see, when we were little we always looked forward to their visits. They would come bearing gifts like cookies, and candy. They added normalcy to my not normal world. He would visit; I got to laugh and have fun. So, tonight has been very difficult and I have been having old memories rushing in and I reveled in them and I have also said good bye.

Please excuse my post as I am not thinking right now...........I need to get back to my memories!

From Adult Child Of Alcoholic Father To Mother Without Operating Instructions!How Dare I Come Without A How To Parent Manual!!!\

When growing up in Newark, NJ, and later in Chicago, Illinois, it never occurred to me that my family life was not normal. As far as I was concerned, every home had a father and mother who lived in turmoil and constant battle. Every child came home to find dad in a drunken stupor and mom sitting off in a corner seething mad. I accepted the fact that your parents had the right to take out their anger on the children and that it was no one's business. Back in those days, there was no such thing as calling the authorities. Besides, I was too frightened to even think about such a thing.

Alright now fast forward to my life as an adult with children. I always knew that one day, I would be a mom and I also knew that I would not have a large family. Helping to raise 6 brothers and sisters was all I needed to remind me why I wouldn't..........I was a mom at the tender age of 9 if you also take into consideration that I did help raise my siblings and I had no choice. But, as an adult and at the young age of 21 I became a mom for the first time. I was so happy to be pregnant and I wanted my baby. My husband at the time was someone I had met from the neighborhood I lived in, when we moved to Chicago in my senior year of high school. He was more experienced than I was and had alot of street smarts as well. We decided to get married because I thought I was in love. I"m not sure what he thought! He was my knight in shining armor. He rescued me. I was so anxious to get out of the house. What did I know? And how was I to know that I would still be living the same life as before, but with a different person.

I had seem the signs but ignored them.........I was naive and anxious to start my own life. Maybe it was the time that my husband punched me in the stomach when I was 8 months pregnant or was it the time his girlfriends would call the house asking for him............or maybe when he left me alone with a sick baby with no money and no way to get to the drug store to get medicine......Do you see the pattern? My life was normal because it was normal when I was growing up. I would repeat and allow this behavior a second time (baby #2) and a 3rd time and again. By the time I was 38, I had been married 4 times. I kept marrying my father-I was attracting and marrying the same type as my father.

My son is now 38 years old and he and I have had many challenges in our relationship. We were estranged for a number of years.He resented the choices I made of the men I married. He was also angry with me for many things I was not even aware of. He kept many pent up feelings deep down and it showed for many years. Now we are working on our relationship. However, last night we had a very emotional blow out regarding something that was brought up from our long ago past. You see I did not come with a HOW TO PARENT MANUAL. I was suppose to be perfect and was not allowed to make mistakes! My son expects me to put aside anything that ever happened to me as a child and not to use my upbringing as excuses for my behavior. But, he isn't willing to do the same for me.

When We Forgive Can We Truly Forget And Leave The Past Behind?- Do The Scars of Abuse Last A Lifetime?

Recently, my elderly Father was visiting my husband and me while my Mother was on a trip to visit her sister, who was in a nursing home in Puerto Rico. Now, as an adult, I have had a fairly good relationship with both of my parents. That is one of the reasons why when my mom has to leave my dad to go on a trip, he comes to stay with my husband and me, although I have other siblings living close by. My father is incapable of doing certain things for himself and needs help with meals. Besides, he loves my husband Max and tells everyone that we treat him like a "king". He truly enjoys the pampering he receives from us!

My father quit drinking a long time ago when he retired. He is now 87 years old and a different person than he was when he drank. Now, he is a broken down, sickly man who by the grace of God has been taken care of by his family and no longer remembers the tyrant he was years ago. He is funny and sharp as a tack. He is up to date on current events and watches CNN news daily. On Sundays, when he can't attend Mass at Church, he watches it on TV. He is still demanding and expects to be attended to right now and refuses to be ignored. But, he is a different man. He is no longer the menacing mean abusive drunk that he used to be. And I am no longer the little girl who was terrified of him!

Now is now and then was then.........I have heard that no matter what happens in your youth, that you should leave it behind because it is over. You must live in the present. You can't do anything about the past. All of the modern day Guru's tell you that when you hold on to the past you are only hurting yourself. It is time to move on.........They tell you to Forgive and Forget!
Well, I have forgiven. But, am I able to Forget? I have my moments................there are many triggers that set me off. I still have a difficult time when I see daddy's with their little girls. I wanted to be daddy's little girl! I cringe when I hear arguing and yelling. I can still after all of these years, when I close my eyes, remember cowering and hiding from my dad. And I remember that my mother never came to my rescue...........

When my father was visiting the last time, he proceeded to tell my husband Max that he was happy and ready to go to the great beyond. He said that one thing he was the most proud of was that he never laid a hand on me. I was standing near the sink when he said that, and I immediately broke down and shouted to him that he was not telling the truth. I got very upset and he seemed very surprised by my reaction. I told him that he hit me every chance he got and was very abusive to me especially when he drank which was all the time. My old, frail father got up from the chair and came over to me and asked me not to cry and apologized for any wrong he may have committed. In front of my husband, my father said he was sorry!

It was near bed time and he went into his bedroom. I followed him and told him that he didn't have to worry about whether my siblings and I hold ill feelings. I told him I forgave him and that my siblings have forgiven him. He was so relieved and I could tell that he was. It's been a heavy burden for him because he did not want to die without forgiveness from his children, especially forgiveness from me........I guess when you are in the winter of your life, you think about such things!

I gently kissed my dad and told him that I loved him and that it was over...........I told him to rest comfortably and know that he was forgiven and that he needed to go to bed and not to worry any more...............I told him to forget about everything!

I have Forgiven him and I am trying to Forget.............that may take a little longer!!!

Move On And Move Forward!!!

I live in Sunny Florida, in a beautiful house with an enclosed swimming pool and we are surrounded by a beautiful lake. When I get up in the morning, I grab my nice hot cup of coffee and newspaper and sit outside on the patio to enjoy the beautiful fresh air, the large majestic Cranes who make the lake their home, and all of the lush Palm trees and greenery which frame our property. This is my Paradise!

In the last week since my last post, I have been feeling very poorly. Ever since the surgery on my back in 2004, I tend to have wonderful days and then there are some not so wonderful days. The not so wonderful days I spend mostly in bed due to excruciating pain when I walk. For some reason, unknown to me, I seemed worse this last week. No matter what I tried, pain pills, stretches, resting in bed, yoga etc. nothing worked and I found myself walking hunched over more than the "Hunch-Back of Notre Dame". (That was one of my favorite films by the way). Anyway, being a student of metaphysics and the art of Positive Thinking, it finally hit me that maybe my recent bout with severe back pain may actually have something to do with how I have been feeling spiritually and also emotionally.

I am not a religious person but, I am Spiritual. I am the type that gives thanks for everything good or bad constantly count my blessing, and they are many. I usually walk out on the patio and in the stillness and silence of the night, offer prays of gratitude to the Universe and the Spirits that guide me. But, I think I had been forgetting to ask for blessings for myself. I was just accepting my fate and never bothered to say that I wanted help healing and getting rid of my pain. I believe that comes from many things in my childhood where I was not allowed to ask for anything or maybe did not feel deserving of it.

So, after suffering through a rough weekend, yesterday morning something was different. I was feeling sad and at the same time angry.I was very angry that I needed a cane to help me walk. I wanted to throw the cane into the lake. While sitting out on my beautiful patio and enjoying the beautiful morning, a little voice in me told me to re-examine the events of the previous week. There were some personal things happening in my life. How had I been processing this? Was I internalizing and not speaking up or letting off steam? And like a lightning strike it hit me!! I had some pent up anger.......which literally stopped me in my tracks. I could not MOVE ON or did not want to MOVE FORWARD until these issues were resolved. Needless to say, the opportunity presented itself yesterday near dinner time. I had a heated exchange with my darling husband and I was able to let off some steam and finally open up about somethings that were bothering me. We were at an impasse, so I just went off for a quiet drive to clear my mind and to cry. When I got back I felt wonderful. I still had to use the cane, but my soul felt better.

This morning as I grabbed my cup of coffee and newspaper and walked out on the patio, my husband greeted me with a kiss, the morning air seemed even fresher and the lake was more beautiful than ever...............oh and the cane? Well, it sits alone in a corner of my bedroom!!

So, did you get a Trick or a Treat?

Halloween has come and gone and as I sit here thinking about how much fun I had celebrating the holiday with my children and grandchildren, receiving trick or treaters at my front door and reminiscing about how we celebrated as children, I was reminded of a few of my favorite stories.

Now, keep in mind in my previous post I gave you some insight into my tormented childhood so some of this may be funny and some of this maybe sad.

Today's kids really have it made! Don't they? Their parents begin preparing for Halloween weeks in advance. They buy lots of candy to pass out. They take the kids shopping for costumes. They prepare elaborate parties...............and they still have time to take the kiddies trick or treating! Why, many of the parents even drink their cocktails while they stroll along as their sweet little ones run up to the front door full of anticipation of what goodies they will receive. My own grandchildren and nephews were so wired and excited about going trick or treating that they did not even remember that they hate most candies. I think it was more the ritual and knowing that their friends would be out- that mattered most.

On the other hand, when I was growing up, I had to cook dinner for my parents and siblings before I could even think about doing something so foolish as dressing up for Halloween. We were not allowed to go out trick or treating when we were little and my parents would not think of participating in any such nonsense. They weren't what you might call the touchy feely type. They did not get excited about the things children were excited about. They had their own agendas and they did not include children.

I recall one Halloween that I was especially looking forward to as I was being allowed to go out with some of my friends to trick or treat. I planned the whole day so that I wouldn't do anything wrong or that I would upset my parents in any way. I had chores to do after school as usual. I also had to make dinner. Dinner was to include white rice and I went diligently about preparing the meal on time so that I could wear my costume and be ready when my parents came home from work.

Well, we were all in for a surprise. You see, I used a strong cleaner to clean the pot I cooked the rice in and did not rinse well enough. The outcome was that when dinner was served my rice tasted like something similar to Lysol and boy was my mother angry! She made me clean the pot again and start over after she slapped me across the face while belittling me for not paying attention to what I was doing. Needless to say, I did not get to go out that night! I was heart broken but, I can laugh now however, then was a different story.

Another vivid memory I have was back in Oct. of 1956. At the time, my parents were the superintendents of a six apartment building in Newark, NJ where I grew up. My mother was also very pregnant with my brother (who is now a State Senator in Illinois). Imagine that! Anyway, you guessed it, it was Halloween night and my siblings and I were left home alone to fend for ourselves while my father took mom to the hospital.

We were so intrigued by what was going on outside and went from window to window watching the children trick or treating in their bright colored costumes with their parents by their side. Some how, one of us got the idea to make our own candy to pass out to the kids who knocked on our door. We didn't have anything to give the kids and remember we were kids ourselves. Well, we had lots of Bazooka bubblegum rappers. Our neighbor worked at a candy factory and would give us candy from time to time. My older brother, myself and two younger siblings proceeded to rap small pieces of white bar soap into the bubble gum rapper and as the kids came knocking we passed out our version of Halloween goodies. Now while this seemed mean spirited believe me when I tell you that we did not mean it to be. We felt left out and you know children when left to their own devises?

There was a lesson, however, in those two examples of my Halloween experiences. Let me see, they both involved soap. They both involved me. You know something I believe in Karma. I paid for the mischief of placing soap in bubblegum rappers. Oh well, those kids never knew who gave them the soap..........at least I don't think so. Oh, have I told you the one about feeding my brothers mud pies and telling them they were chocolate?

Next time, I will be telling you about some of my current exploits.......see you soon!!
Angiez
Here is a nice treat for you:
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