Recently, my elderly Father was visiting my husband and me while my Mother was on a trip to visit her sister, who was in a nursing home in Puerto Rico. Now, as an adult, I have had a fairly good relationship with both of my parents. That is one of the reasons why when my mom has to leave my dad to go on a trip, he comes to stay with my husband and me, although I have other siblings living close by. My father is incapable of doing certain things for himself and needs help with meals. Besides, he loves my husband Max and tells everyone that we treat him like a "king". He truly enjoys the pampering he receives from us!
My father quit drinking a long time ago when he retired. He is now 87 years old and a different person than he was when he drank. Now, he is a broken down, sickly man who by the grace of God has been taken care of by his family and no longer remembers the tyrant he was years ago. He is funny and sharp as a tack. He is up to date on current events and watches CNN news daily. On Sundays, when he can't attend Mass at Church, he watches it on TV. He is still demanding and expects to be attended to right now and refuses to be ignored. But, he is a different man. He is no longer the menacing mean abusive drunk that he used to be. And I am no longer the little girl who was terrified of him!
Now is now and then was then.........I have heard that no matter what happens in your youth, that you should leave it behind because it is over. You must live in the present. You can't do anything about the past. All of the modern day Guru's tell you that when you hold on to the past you are only hurting yourself. It is time to move on.........They tell you to Forgive and Forget!
Well, I have forgiven. But, am I able to Forget? I have my moments................there are many triggers that set me off. I still have a difficult time when I see daddy's with their little girls. I wanted to be daddy's little girl! I cringe when I hear arguing and yelling. I can still after all of these years, when I close my eyes, remember cowering and hiding from my dad. And I remember that my mother never came to my rescue...........
When my father was visiting the last time, he proceeded to tell my husband Max that he was happy and ready to go to the great beyond. He said that one thing he was the most proud of was that he never laid a hand on me. I was standing near the sink when he said that, and I immediately broke down and shouted to him that he was not telling the truth. I got very upset and he seemed very surprised by my reaction. I told him that he hit me every chance he got and was very abusive to me especially when he drank which was all the time. My old, frail father got up from the chair and came over to me and asked me not to cry and apologized for any wrong he may have committed. In front of my husband, my father said he was sorry!
It was near bed time and he went into his bedroom. I followed him and told him that he didn't have to worry about whether my siblings and I hold ill feelings. I told him I forgave him and that my siblings have forgiven him. He was so relieved and I could tell that he was. It's been a heavy burden for him because he did not want to die without forgiveness from his children, especially forgiveness from me........I guess when you are in the winter of your life, you think about such things!
I gently kissed my dad and told him that I loved him and that it was over...........I told him to rest comfortably and know that he was forgiven and that he needed to go to bed and not to worry any more...............I told him to forget about everything!
I have Forgiven him and I am trying to Forget.............that may take a little longer!!!
