Where Did I Come From and Where Do I Really Belong?

Every night,  for as long as I can remember, I step outside and look up to the heavens or if you prefer the night sky. As I scan around looking at the many stars, planets and other lights. I am always sure to say a prayer of thanks for my many blessings; good or bad. Then I spend some time just speaking to whoever or whatever is listening.  There are those that say some of us retain cell memories or maybe I should say "soul" memories from previous lives. So, from the time I was a child until present time, I have felt like I was on the outside looking in. I have always felt like I didn't belong and that I came from the heavens. Crazy right? Not so fast.....

Now. please understand something about me. I am a deep thinker who questions the why's, how's and the don't make sense! I've long ago questioned where humanity came from and why we are here. My unconventional thinking kept me from accepting and constantly questioning my Catholic upbringing. For example, if the bible and catholic doctrine were God's words, why were priests and nuns not afraid of suffering eternity in damnation. That is what they taught us. IF you sin you go to HELL!! Yet, they were sinning all the time! Example of that is the sex abuse scandals. Sexually abusing boys or any child for that matter in my book deserves burning in hell for all eternity!! I didn't really mean to digress there but I needed you to see an example of how my mind works and what kinds of things I question. Needless to say, I am no longer a practicing Catholic.

So, back to my previous comment about sky watching. In the past few months I've been reading some really thought provoking stuff. I've read about how ancient aliens came to earth to mine gold and other precious minerals and needed worker/slaves so they used DNA from primitive man and joined it with their own to create a race of slaves to work at building the pyramids and also working the mines for them. One of the actors made the comment that if this is true than we are "their children." Whew! Big Breath!!! Sounds ludicrous-does it not?  This is what I'm talking about. These are the kinds of things that run through my mind. The irony in this is that over this weekend, my husband and I saw a movie made in the 1980 called "Hangar 18" and guess what? The premise of the movie was exactly what I just said. One of the actors even made the comment that if this is true then we are "their children." Now where did they-the writers- get this crazy idea from?

Is it possible that some of us can actually sense that we are different? Is that why some of us are more psychic than others? If you have ever felt like you were not quite like everyone else or you are constantly drawn to books and movies about anything otherworldly......you are not crazy!

Adult children of abuse or alcoholic parents experience all sorts of dilemmas and exhibit many different traits then most normal people. Some grow up to be multiple personalities. Some grow up to repeat the sins of the parents. Some grow up exhibiting unusual characteristics and talents. I learned how to escape in my mind and imagine lots of alternative lives. I learned to question everything and to take nothing on blind faith. If I could have chosen anywhere else to live, why did I choose to be born into an alcoholic, abusive and poor household?

I know my spirit came from elsewhere and that I am having a human experience.......as I stare into the night sky, I am still asking "where did I come from and where do I really belong?"

10 Things I am Grateful For!

Earlier today, I was reflecting on what I am grateful for and counting my blessings. I try to do this at least once a day no matter what  is going on in my life! I must say that I am grateful for the challenges in my life, without them I wouldn't be able to appreciate everything else. For example, I received the results to a recent MRI of my lower back (lumbar). Every two years I must be checked; in 2006 I had a cancerous tumor removed. Although I have some disk and spinal problems, my test results came back negative. That is wonderful news!

Many days are challenging for me since I experience pain on a daily basis. However, I never focus on that. To me, being able to get up every morning without the help of a cane or walker or any other prosthesis brings me joy like you wouldn't believe. I have learned how to monitor my life and activities so that I can lead a comfortable life. Many things are out of my control of course and I can't always anticipate what the day will bring and how I will physically react. What I mean by that is that no matter what I schedule for any particular day, reality kicks in and re-routes my plans. Sometimes these drastic changes can reek havoc on my body and at those instances I simply adjust my thinking and use positive affirmations. I also use a reward system. For example, I reward myself by vegging out on my recliner in front of the TV or listen to some great music after I take care of what needs to be done.

During this Holiday Season, there are presents to buy, food shopping, family visiting, baking and overindulging. Great fun-right? I think so. I really appreciate being able to do all these things because I believe that you need to have things to look forward to-something to get you out of bed every morning! Especially when you think of what the alternatives are.

So, what else I am grateful for? Here I will share 10 things. They are not in any priority-only in the order as they popped in my head.

1. We live in Florida and it has been rather chilly. It's quite an adjustment when the weather gets cold because our skin is thin. I am grateful that at least we don't get snow and ice.
2. I am grateful for our beautiful home and all the modern comforts.
3. I am grateful that I am surrounded with a large family and supportive friends which can be counted on when needed.
4. I am grateful that I have the love of a wonderful and generous husband.
5. I am grateful everyday for the spiritual guidance I receive from my guardian Angels. I have had many close calls in traffic lately where my reaction was due to outside forces and the outcome could have been disastrous.
6. I am grateful that my parents can share yet one more Holiday Season with us in spite of their health.
7. I am truly grateful for my freedom and that I am able to do whatever I want within reason without living in fear.
8. I am grateful for my two beautiful toy poodles who give me unconditional love.
9. I am grateful that I have everything that I need to live comfortably.
10. I am grateful for all the blessings currently in my life and those which have not yet arrived.  

I would also like to add that I am grateful for my readers. I hope and pray that I have created a spark in you which will prompt you to look for things to be grateful for in your life as well!

Merry Christmas and a Prosperous New Year!

Elderly, Frail and fighting to Survive!

Last night was one of those insomnia laced nights where no matter how hard I tried, I could not get comfortable. I even got up to let the dogs out at about 2:30 a.m. and witnessed the most beautiful eclipse of the moon. The moon was bright orange and the stars looked like I could just reach up and touch them.  It's times like this when you suddenly are aware of how small you are as the overwhelming vision of the night sky can take your breath away. I went back to bed, but sleep eluded me. So, when the phone rang at about 8:15 a.m. I was just looking forward to a restful morning; slowly sipping my coffee and scouring the newspaper for Pre-Christmas sales. But, the universe was conspiring against me-yet once more!

The person on the other end of the line was one of my sisters. She said: "I am at the hospital but don't worry nothing serious it's just that Mom called me at 6 a.m. to tell me that Pop wasn't feeling well. He has not been to  the bathroom in 3 days. He is being checked out by the doctors and I need you to come to the hospital to help me as I need to go to the airport to pick up my son and family who are visiting for holidays." Of course I was very concerned as my Pop is 89 and in frail health. Apparently, he didn't tell Mom that he was having difficulty going to the bathroom as he was afraid of being taken to the hospital; his least favorite place in the world!

Well, at this point the fact that I had not slept well and the idea of the quiet morning quietly sipping my coffee
and reading the paper would have to wait. As I drove to the hospital, I thought about how the roles have changed in the last few years.  This is the man who I so feared as a child. This was the man who made me so afraid of him that I would wet the bed every night. This was the man whose voice would make me shake and tremble when I would hear him coming home from what ever bar he had recently visited. This was the man I would secretly wish would drop dead after he would physically hurt me. Now I am rushing on my way to the hospital as worry occupies my mind not knowing what I will see when I get to the hospital.

As it turns out, when I reached the hospital they were discharging him after treating him in the emergency room. He is 89 after all; not much they can do-with congestive heart failure, swollen ankles, barely able to walk without a cane, and most bodily functions going haywire and now he is a mere shell of his former self. The small, decrepit man no longer looks intimidating as he is wheeled out of the emergency room. There is no longer anything to fear. If you blew on him, he would probably fall down to the floor. Now he needs help to care for himself. That looming and intimidating man I used to run and hide from is losing his life energy and essence. Little-by-little his light is dimming as his body is showing its age and he is inching toward the final days in this existence. He is now visibly uncomfortable about how he has to depend upon me and other to care for him.

I know that he knows what he did and now he is defenseless. You would think that I would feel some sort of satisfaction in seeing him as he is now. But that couldn't be further from the truth! I don't know why he has had such a long life and how it is that he has beaten the odds. With all his health issues, he should have passed away years ago. But, there is such a desire in him to live; to survive. And as I stand over him while he sits in his room at home, I can't help feeling protective over him and anxious to make sure that he is comfortable. He will now have to wear diapers, and when he breathes there is a rattle which is evident of fluid in his lungs. His 90 birthday is May 16th of next year and I worry that he faces many challenges to reach that milestone!

At this point, I pray that he gets to enjoy another Christmas with his family......just one more time!

It's Been A While-Nice To Be Back!

The headlines in today's paper reads: "I begged her to leave him" and as I scanned over there was a picture of a beautiful lady who was the victim in this story. Once again, domestic violence has reared it's ugly head. The killer was her boyfriend of 6 years and the father of one of her children. She could or would not leave him because she was crazy about him. Many times she could not go to work because of her bruises and black eyes. I think she got used to the pain and suffering-she probably never thought in her wildest dreams that he would kill her!

Having been a victim of child abuse and then later of domestic abuse, I can well relate to the nightmare this unfortunate lady was living. As a child, I had no alternative or choices as to whether to leave or stay. I was stuck living with my circumstances. I finally put my foot down and threatened to report him when I was 18. Now you think, well that was old enough for me to make my own decisions and move out. You need to understand that this was a different time and era. I was still in high school and my options were limited.

However, as an adult, when faced with domestic violence. He was the love of my life-or so I thought! How naive! I knew that I had only one choice and that was to leave. But, not before experiencing several years of bullying, beatings and emotional distress. For me the final straw was having to abort a fetus when I realized I was pregnant and on the verge of divorce. He claimed it was not his. I was one of the lucky ones as I was threatened by him with a gun when he was served with divorce papers and would have to pay child support.

Many years later, I am left wondering what is it about human nature that causes such battering. Why do parents abuse their children? Why do partners abuse and kill their so called loved ones? What causes individuals to be violent? What makes anyone want to hit, punch or kill a domestic partner? The only answer I can come up with is that these individuals are not like the rest of us. They are wired differently! Is their anger like a disease? Maybe in a previous life they were victims of some horrible crime and their soul remembers, so in this life they seek retaliation. I know one thing these batterers have in common is the need to be in control-to dominate! The other thing they have in common is that they lack compassion! Otherwise, how could they lift a hand to strike anyone or anything!

Unfortunately, the victims of child abuse or any type of abuse if they survive, are left with long term physical and emotional scars. As evident by the stories of multiple personality disorder victims, those who suffer from mental disorders, some fibromyalgia sufferers (like myself) and many other examples to numerous to mention. Yes, we are survivors and yes we are FREE of the abuse if you finally break the pattern, but you are never really FREE as the reminders creep up when you turn on the TV or open up the Newspaper-So, I am left to wonder; to keep questioning the-WHYS!