Complicated Grief :Also Known as Prolonged Grief Disorder

Many years ago, I worked as a Family Service Counselor for a major Cemetery/Funeral Home Company. My job was to help families make final arrangements for the funeral and burial of their loved ones. From the minute they walked into our facilities, I was responsible for everything from supervising how their loved ones were "waked" to arranging of the type of graveside service requested. My job was to make sure that everything was done as specified and to make sure that the families were not inconvenience in any way. After the burial, I also helped in the bereavement process. By that I mean that if counseling was needed, I helped the families find the appropriate agencies. Everyone mourns in their own way!

When a loved one dies, there is a natural process of grieving that takes place. One of the worst things that can happen to anyone, is to have to bury a loved one be it a child, parent or spouse. And with each situation, the process varies. What I mean is that if we lose a parent who has been aged and in ill health, the loss is great but might not be as traumatic as the loss of a child; young or older. Nobody wants nor should have to bury a child. However life isn't fair and it happens. Sometimes we lose a spouse and again the grieving depends on how long the illness or whether it was sudden or due to aging.

In every instance the level of grieving varies. Many of us are able to move on from our loss within a certain amount of time and many times we are unable to move on period; while others are unable to get on with thier lives without great difficulty. What determines what is the right amount of time to grieve a loss? Is there a time clock that goes off and says alright enough of this, get back to your life and shake it off? I know that sounds a little harsh but I say that to make a point.

I have not been immune to loss as I have helped my own son bury his beautiful wife at the young age of 28 in 1997. My older brother lost a son the following year to violence. And last June, I received that dreaded phone call that my handsome, talented 27 year old Nephew was found deceased in his condo. As traumatic as this was to me, the level of pain and suffering experienced by his loving parents was no comparison. He was my younger brother's oldest son of two sons.

It's important to point out that my brother is a well known Senator in the state of Illinois and to protect his privacy, I will leave it there. He spent most of his career working in his community to help protect the young and doing all within his power to help everyone who sought him out. How was he to know that his background and experience would in no way prepare him for the brick wall of suffering he would crash into.The amount of grief and pain that he and my beautiful sister-in-law would encounter was unbearable then and still is today!

I know it's been 9 months and maybe it's time to get over it and on with their lives-right? Wrong!!!!!!

Over all these long months, my dear brother has been stuck in the limbo of the worst grief and suffering and physical pain anyone could ever be expected to tolerate. He has talked, cried and talked some more until he had no one else who would listen. After awhile most people unable to deal with this type of grief, became uncomfortable whenever he called or went to see them. FAMILY included! The average person is totally unprepared to help someone who is "stuck" in this hell! As his older sister, I am feeling so helpless at not knowing how to help him and it's killing me to feel his sadness! My fear has been that he would not be able to survive this and that the next phone call would be about his death. This thought has haunted me for months!

To his credit, he recently sent me a text telling me to google a paper that the Mayo Clinic wrote about Complicated Grief. Now, there was a name for what he was experiencing and also treatment! After all these months, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and a tremendous sense of hope!!! He is getting medication and whatever help he needs to get out of this hell which has kept him a prisoner for too long! He knows that I will be there for him no matter how long it takes and he will always have a sounding board in me. The important thing is that he is seeking a way out of his pain and suffering and for that I am very proud of him!

If you or a loved one is "stuck" and unable to move on from the loss of a loved one, maybe this might be of help. I am including the link to the Mayo Clinic paper. Please share this with everyone you know. This article is comprehensive and lists symptoms and what to do to get help.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/complicated-grief/DS01023

There is treatment and hope to help people with complicated grief come to terms with their loss and to help them reclaim a sense of joy and comfort.