Angiez Story

I didn't Like It! The Food Was Terrible!!

2011-08-04T00:28:00.000-04:00

You are looking at my 87 year old mom's broken ankle. Not very pretty, very painful and she would be upset if she knew that I am blogging about her misfortune!! This week has not been very good for mom and last week was even worse; as that was when the accident happened! In a nutshell she tripped and fell in the house. The doctor says she will need to sport this style-less boot for about 3-6 weeks at best. And will need to use a wheel chair when not in bed. At age 87 you do not heal as well as someone much younger....so recovery will be slow.

OK! So, here's the deal. Because mom is laid up and can not take care of herself and my father (remember him? He is 90 years old!) it has fallen on my sister and I to take turns over at their house to help them. I have taken the day shift and my sister stays during the night. My poor mother cannot even get out of bed on her own and so therefore is totally reliant on us. This also means that meals need to be prepared so, I am doing the dinner shift and my sister prepares breakfast.

My father has become quite the character in his old age and thanks to his sense of humor, I am holding up better than expected - under the pressure of trying to take care of a many times difficult and demanding mother - who when well can try the patience of Job let alone when she is under the weather. He is a bit of a snitch and never misses a chance to tell on someone.

The other morning, my sis forgot to put the eggs in the pan to boil and instead just boiled the water. Well, he didn't know that there was a monitor in the kitchen as well as in mother's room. So, he shuffled over to her room and he told mom what happened. He did not know that every word could be heard in the kitchen as they were having a good laugh at my sister's expense. Another day he went to mother's room and pointed at her saying "Old lady I hope you never get out of that bed!" I said "pop that is not nice" he turned around and told me that he is enjoying all the attention and having us around. He is also enjoying all the great meals he is getting! Today, I made a delicious chicken stew, (pollo guisado con arroz) with white rice, sweet plantains and french bread. Well, he sat down to eat and I went on to feed mother in her room. When I came back to the dining room. He looked at me very seriously and told me that he did not like his dinner and that it did not taste very good. When I walked over to him and looked at his plate it was totally clean and the chicken bones looked like someone had bleached them.....he gave me a sly look and began laughing.......he then said dinner was "beautiful and delicious"........

I find myself reciting the Serenity Prayer on a daily basis and at the same time looking forward to each day and the new adventure that awaits me in the life of my parents. Many people would not take on the responsibility of caring for their ailing elderly parents. It is hard, thankless and grueling work. I say thankless not to be mean.....what I mean is that they are not even aware of what we do sometimes and almost expect the care we provide. It doesn't occur to them that most elderly wind up at nursing homes. As long as we can provide the care, our parents will never have to worry about ending up in a nursing home with strangers around them. But, I will admit at the end of the day, I go home and really enjoy my glass of wine; as I soothe my weary soul and tired body......... know what I mean? Got to love them..........lol

Yellow Cake and Fresh Oranges!

2011-03-10T22:47:00.000-05:00

It's been said that as your parents age the roles between them and their children change. The children start behaving like the parents and the parents start behaving like the children. Suddenly you find yourself speaking differently to them because maybe their hearing has changed or their eyesight is faltering. At times you have to speak more slowly in order for them to understand what you are telling them. Telling them a story might take a little longer because of all the interruptions and all the questions they ask. It actually gets to be quite comical when you consider it's your parents you are dealing with. The ones that raised you and were the pillars of strength; the ones you always looked up to, were now looking up to you!

My parents are in their late 80's and I can honestly say that I am truly enjoying them more now than ever. Keeping in mind that the parent/child relationship while I was growing up, was absolutely awful and memories and my past will remain as such as I have no desire to rehash them. All of the forgiving has taken place and besides with my parents being in their 80's, they really don't remember too much so what's the point. They are very different now from the way they used to be. Now, when I stop by to visit them, they are like little kids because I hardly ever visit them empty-handed. For instance, mom loves to play scratch off lottery tickets. So I buy some for her and surprise her. Or maybe I stop by the grocery store and call her to ask her if she wants or needs anything. Due to their age, getting out and about is very difficult.

My focus is to bring them "goodies" they would not otherwise purchase for themselves. They live on a fixed income and mom tends to be very frugal. What's funny is that when I stop by, dad is usually in the bedroom and comes right out to see what I brought for him. He has quite a "sweet-tooth" and although he has to watch it due to his health, that doesn't stop him for craving cake, cookies and fruit. My philosophy is that at age 89 he should be able to eat whatever he wants within reason. This week I decided to make them a plain yellow cake and I also had these gigantic oranges the size of grapefruit that I knew they'd love. My dad is always amazed at my timing. Mom has just fixed him a cup of coffee and here I had cake for him. He says that I have ESP which I do because I always seem to know when he has a taste for a treat.

And just like two little kids they starting arguing about how many oranges each would get. And by the way, as I was leaving my dad said that he's been having a craving for coconut cookies. So guess what I'll be taking them on my next visit!

Complicated Grief :Also Known as Prolonged Grief Disorder

2011-03-08T19:53:00.001-05:00

Many years ago, I worked as a Family Service Counselor for a major Cemetery/Funeral Home Company. My job was to help families make final arrangements for the funeral and burial of their loved ones. From the minute they walked into our facilities, I was responsible for everything from supervising how their loved ones were "waked" to arranging of the type of graveside service requested. My job was to make sure that everything was done as specified and to make sure that the families were not inconvenience in any way. After the burial, I also helped in the bereavement process. By that I mean that if counseling was needed, I helped the families find the appropriate agencies. Everyone mourns in their own way!

When a loved one dies, there is a natural process of grieving that takes place. One of the worst things that can happen to anyone, is to have to bury a loved one be it a child, parent or spouse. And with each situation, the process varies. What I mean is that if we lose a parent who has been aged and in ill health, the loss is great but might not be as traumatic as the loss of a child; young or older. Nobody wants nor should have to bury a child. However life isn't fair and it happens. Sometimes we lose a spouse and again the grieving depends on how long the illness or whether it was sudden or due to aging.

In every instance the level of grieving varies. Many of us are able to move on from our loss within a certain amount of time and many times we are unable to move on period; while others are unable to get on with thier lives without great difficulty. What determines what is the right amount of time to grieve a loss? Is there a time clock that goes off and says alright enough of this, get back to your life and shake it off? I know that sounds a little harsh but I say that to make a point.

I have not been immune to loss as I have helped my own son bury his beautiful wife at the young age of 28 in 1997. My older brother lost a son the following year to violence. And last June, I received that dreaded phone call that my handsome, talented 27 year old Nephew was found deceased in his condo. As traumatic as this was to me, the level of pain and suffering experienced by his loving parents was no comparison. He was my younger brother's oldest son of two sons.

It's important to point out that my brother is a well known Senator in the state of Illinois and to protect his privacy, I will leave it there. He spent most of his career working in his community to help protect the young and doing all within his power to help everyone who sought him out. How was he to know that his background and experience would in no way prepare him for the brick wall of suffering he would crash into.The amount of grief and pain that he and my beautiful sister-in-law would encounter was unbearable then and still is today!

I know it's been 9 months and maybe it's time to get over it and on with their lives-right? Wrong!!!!!!

Over all these long months, my dear brother has been stuck in the limbo of the worst grief and suffering and physical pain anyone could ever be expected to tolerate. He has talked, cried and talked some more until he had no one else who would listen. After awhile most people unable to deal with this type of grief, became uncomfortable whenever he called or went to see them. FAMILY included! The average person is totally unprepared to help someone who is "stuck" in this hell! As his older sister, I am feeling so helpless at not knowing how to help him and it's killing me to feel his sadness! My fear has been that he would not be able to survive this and that the next phone call would be about his death. This thought has haunted me for months!

To his credit, he recently sent me a text telling me to google a paper that the Mayo Clinic wrote about Complicated Grief. Now, there was a name for what he was experiencing and also treatment! After all these months, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and a tremendous sense of hope!!! He is getting medication and whatever help he needs to get out of this hell which has kept him a prisoner for too long! He knows that I will be there for him no matter how long it takes and he will always have a sounding board in me. The important thing is that he is seeking a way out of his pain and suffering and for that I am very proud of him!

If you or a loved one is "stuck" and unable to move on from the loss of a loved one, maybe this might be of help. I am including the link to the Mayo Clinic paper. Please share this with everyone you know. This article is comprehensive and lists symptoms and what to do to get help.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/complicated-grief/DS01023

There is treatment and hope to help people with complicated grief come to terms with their loss and to help them reclaim a sense of joy and comfort.

If You Have Ever Bargained With God For Better Health.......You Need To Read This!

2011-03-08T16:33:00.000-05:00

(March 8, 2011 - Originally posted July 30, 2009)
Have you ever bargained with God for better health? I have and this is a true story. Isn't it time to really do something about it. For two years I suffered as a virtual invalid due to Fibromyalgia, and Spinal Stenosis due to complications of back surgery with low energy and no stamina to even get out of bed. I started using MaxGXL in March of 2009 and even my own Doctor didn't believe it when he saw me in May. (Now actual results vary from person to person)

This is the March 8, 2011 and I am still totally medication free and my bed gets made up everyday as I no longer need to stay there all day). If you need verification my phone number is at the end of this post and I WILL be happy to tell you more about me and my experience,

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MaxOne, for example, is a glutathione (Your Body's Miracle-Working Super-Protein) accelerator. Intracellular glutathione fights inflammation, preserving cellular health. It also works to help improve mental functions, increase energy, improve concentration, support increased exercise and improve heart and lung function-just to name a few of its benefits! The more glutathione a cell has, the better it can perform its function. Say NO to Accelerated aging and Say Yes to More Energy and Better Health!

The Wellness Industry is growing at a rate of $250 million a day, driven by the Baby Boomers, Gen X and Y and is now a $500 Billion industry on it's way to one trillion dollars. Best Selling Author, Paul Zane Pilzer says this:

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Max International Independent Associate

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Contact ME:
Angela Zechinato
321-459-0402
azech49@gmail.com
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Girly Things: The Importance of Female Bonding!

2011-02-12T21:25:00.000-05:00

My memories of my childhood are quite vague and sparse. I don't remember if I had any close friends or kids I played with. I have visions of when I started school and being in first grade. The classroom had lots of fun things to do and we sang songs and played games. But, no memories of other little girls. I was not allowed to have little friends or play outside or to even invite them home. My father and mother were very strict and so we never had friends come over to play.

The other day I watched the movie "Precious" for the first time and let me tell you this was not a pleasant experience as I found myself reflecting back to my own childhood and family life. Precious was abused, sexually and physically and had an awful childhood. Her life was absolutely nightmarish! My own childhood was definitely not a walk in the park and watching this movie, I wondered how I was able to withstand all that I suffered and all the abuse. Although, I admit my life was not as horrid as that lived by "Precious." But, it was my reality and to me it was horrible!

It was difficult to form friendships and to bond with other children when all I can think about is when will my father find me and beat me to a pulp. How can you enjoy gossiping and playing make-belief and doing girly things when you are trembling in your shoes about even being outside the house. I was expected to always stay inside the house and don't let him find me being idle. No, there was never to be any levity or playtime let alone female bonding.....

This past Friday I was invited to a get together at a friends' home to celebrate Valentine's Day and to also check out some new make-up being demonstrated by our other friend who sells cosmetics. Well, it turned into a fantastic girls night out with about 15 ladies showing up and ready to party! These were all neighbors of the hostess and I was impressed with how close they were. They all made me feel right at home and I was able to feel like I've known them all my life! We drank wine, sampled many delicacies, tried on different makeup and told funny stories. I crave this bonding and find myself wanting more. Most of my adult life, I have gotten by with little or no friends. I didn't know how to meet new friends and sustain relationships of any kind-let alone female friendships.

Next week is my 62nd birthday and in recent years I have been experiencing many firsts. To many people, 62 is old to start doing things for the first time. You might think that there are no new challenges and that I should have a "what's the use" attitude. I've got news for you-my life is just beginning! There was so much I didn't get to enjoy or experience as a child. But, that doesn't mean that I can't enjoy them now! My goal is to meet and bond with as many new female friends as I can. I will make up for all the little girls I didn't get to meet and play with when I was a little girl. This time I don't have to be afraid either!

By the way, if you haven't seen the movie "Precious" I highly recommend it!!!

My New Shiny Bicycle!

2011-02-04T23:27:00.000-05:00

Young people and kids today have it made! They have every imaginable gadget ever invented; cell phones, flat screen tv's, mp3 players, computers, ipods and ipads-you name it they have it! Their self-image depends on how much they have. When I was growing up, we were very poor and definitely did not have the luxuries the kids have today. We were lucky to have dime store toys to play with. We were happy to have friends who felt sorry for us and let us play with their toys.

We made go-carts out of pieces of wood found in the garbage, broken skates and any rope we could find. I remember riding these go-carts down the street going like a bat out of hell with no brakes and screaming my head off from the excitement. There were kids in our neighborhood that would lend us their bikes and their skates and anything else so that we could play with them. I never owned a bicycle of my own. Only learned to ride by borrowing an English Racer from a friend and teaching myself to ride.

So fast forward to today! For the first time in my life I now own a bicycle. I am 62 years old and just recently decided that I needed to have a bicycle to ride around the neighborhood and get some exercise. After all the many years in between raising children and trying to survive and exist, I never had the opportunity to have my own bicycle.

Today was a beautiful sunny day in central Florida. The weather up to now has been very cold and uncomfortable. I have been looking forward to the temperature getting warmer and more pleasant so that I could ride my, shiny new bike. You would think I was a little girl or something like that. So, today I rode around the neighborhood with my husband.

Oh, by the way, my husband gave me this bike for Christmas!

Today, I proudly rode my shiny, new bicycle around the neighborhood and I felt like a kid again. But, this time I get to keep the bicycle and ride it again tomorrow!!!

Feeling Out of Sorts - Something Just Ain't Right!

2011-02-02T22:44:00.000-05:00

Unless you've been living under a rock, you are aware that the weather has been acting weird and strange over most of the United States and also in other countries. Poor Australia has been flooded and also recently slammed by Tropical Cyclone Yasi. There are Volcanos erupting in Japan and God only knows what else is brewing that we are unaware of. So, have you felt the uneasiness and discomfort in the air? Are you experiencing headaches and unexplained body aches?

Many people I've spoken to have expressed irritability and tension in their households. They mention that there is more bickering going on than normal. And depression is running rampant! Some of my friends and neighbors are feeling ill and lackluster and not quite knowing what is wrong. Personally, I have had headaches which I don't normally suffer from. I do however, have Fibromyalgia and severe low back problems which up to now have been under control. Out of the blue a couple of weeks ago, I've started experiencing pain in my hips, legs and back severe enough to make walking difficult. The other strange thing I've noticed is that I've lost motivation to do all the things I normally enjoy. So, what could be causing all these things health issues. The weather?

In one of my previous blogs, I talked about Chemtrails-large white smoke streaks criss-crossing in the sky on any given day. There seems to be heavy spraying going on in the Florida area and I'm sure other places in the US and World! What about the awful storms which covered over 2500 miles across America? Is someone or something manipulating our weather? To my understanding these storms are very suspicious in origin as opined by reliable sources. Why is our weather going crazy all of a sudden and why are we being bombarded with these Chemtrails? I have lots of questions and few answers.....Who do we ask???

What Does Your Self-Talk Sound like: Is It Positive or Negative?

2011-01-28T14:04:00.001-05:00

This morning I was speaking on the phone with my best friend in the world, Jeanie. She is my next door neighbor and is one of the nicest and most gregarious ladies I know. I love her laugh and enjoy talking to her. My husband and I moved next door to her in November 2007 but it feels like we've known each other for centuries. I believe we have! I love her like a sister!! Anyway, we speak on the phone everyday and are involved in community events as well. We were discussing how our self-talk pays a very important role to maintain positive mental attitudes and also keeping our bodies healthy. For example: if you are feeling down in the dumps and tired and keep repeating how down you feel and how tired you are, then you will continue to feel as such. The next thing you know you are in bed with the covers over your head thinking that your life sucks and that your life is over!

I used to think that my life sucked - Big Time! Many days, I did just stay in bed and cried until I could no longer. I prayed that something would happen that would take me out of my misery. This was a long time ago and when I think back to that time, I am reminded of the earliest times as a child when I first felt such misery. Many things are forgotten and gone. My memory is not good about my childhood. This is not unusual for abused and mistreated individuals. We tend to put out of our minds those things which were unpleasant and caused pain. Anyway, the earliest time I can remember where I had a negative mind-set was when I developed a cyst on my thyroid gland. My mother was combing my hair and when I tilted my head back she saw a huge lump pop out in the front of my neck. Being a firm believer that as we think we become and that thoughts are things; we manifest our reality and all that stuff. As a child I must have manifested this goiter in my throat out of frustration for not being able to speak for myself. Now I was very young about 11 years old at the time. There were to be many instances of illnesses that I would get and interestingly enough they usually involved my throat. I had swollen glands and sore throats alot. I had no voice in anything that happened in my young life!

It was until several years ago while trying to understand fibromyalgia and what seemed like arthritic pain, that it became clear to me that I was allowing what I experienced externally to affected me internally. I had become an expert at allowing my self-talk to make me sick, I was able to actually slow down my heart beat to such low levels that I needed to be hospitalized in order to monitor my heart, The Cardiologist treating me told me that I was carrying enough stress to kill an elephant and that I needed to start thinking healthy thoughts. In all fairness to myself, I realize that my upbringing and constant fear and physical abuse molded my thoughts and personality. Yes, I could blame everything on someone else. But I don't!

The mental work is ongoing and will be life long. Things do not change and get better over night. It takes lots of hard work and constant pushing by ME in order not to fall back on old patterns. The triggers are always hanging over me like a shadow reminding me of that little girl who needed help and protection. I am able to help her now and I can keep her safe! I am clear of the fact that it's up to me and my thoughts to never feel pain or hurt again!

So, I have some questions for you? What is your self-talk like? How are you feeling physically? Do your knees and legs hurt because you find it difficult to go forward with something in your life?

Did you know that fibromyalgia, at least in my case, was most severe when I had less control over my life? Yes, there are external factors involved liked the weather and overdoing, but mostly for me it has been allowing others to control me and my life.

Pay attention to what is going on your life and what illnesses are afflicting you. It's time to start thinking kinder and gentler thoughts. You can heal your life!!

Louise Hay and her books have been instrumental in my healing and well being.

Congestive Heart Failure? We Thought He Had A Cold!

2011-01-27T23:04:00.000-05:00

I walked into his room where he was sitting in his recliner. His face was red and he looked bloated as he struggled to breath and talk at the same time. As I greeted him, the next thing I noticed was the "rattle" in his voice which came from deep in his chest. Pop told me that he was suffering from a cold for sometime and that he also had bronchitis. This is not unusual as he is now 89 years old and it is becoming increasingly difficult for him to stay healthy. It seems like once a week for the last couple of months, he's either been to the doctor's office or has taken a trip to the emergency room. So, when I was told by my sister a week later that he had been to the doctor's office again and that he was having difficulty even getting in and out of the shower, my husband and I decided we needed to bring him to our home to watch over him until we know more about the many tests he had been subjected to and the results.

One thing was certain, he was obviously unable to care for himself. Upon trying to take a shower, his breathing became more labored and almost collapsed! Pop and Mom still live on their own and have done well to car for themselves albeit with help from my sisters and myself. However, my Mom's health is also fragile and her mental capabilities are diminishing. She is very small and petite and would not be able to lift him if he should fall.

So, as I mentioned before, we invited him to come home with us so that we could keep a close eye on him and told Mom that this would be a good break for her and she could focus on herself and not have to worry about Pop. At first, she was happy with the idea but as the days went on, she became somewhat jealous of all the attention being doled on Pop. They become like children the older they get. Anyway, we had him with us for two days before he started to get sicker and developed even more difficulty with his breathing. That weekend was one of the worse weekends I've had in a long time. We were using a baby monitor to listen to him as he slept and in case he needed us, he would be able to call out to us. Listening to him breath all night I felt like he would not make it through the night!

(No matter how much he mistreated me or abused me as a youngster, I have forgiven him and vowed that I would always be there to care for him and to make sure that he never suffers. I can't stand to see him sick or suffering.)

Sunday morning we made the decision to take him to the hospital which was the best thing we could do as he had Congestive Heart Failure which is basically fluid around his heart and has lots of water throughout his body. This is why he was so out of breath and feeling so poorly. The doctors were able to relieve him of his water buildup and swelling with medications and flushing his systems with IV's.

The good news is that after spending a couple of days in the hospital and with some medication changes, he is now home and although he is still sick, he is feeling much better and appears to be breathing easier. He is actually back at home with Mom for now! We visited with him today and my husband gave him a haircut!

I am so grateful that he is doing so much better!

Manipulation-Are You Easily Manipulated?

2011-01-26T12:00:00.000-05:00

My disposition is very laid back; a little excitable, but in a good way! Takes lots to rile me or to upset me; not easy to anger. Compassion is my middle name. Maybe too easy-going! If I have something you need-it's yours. I've given away many prized possessions just because I know someone else liked them. So yes, I am also very generous. I'm usually the one who drops money into collection containers outside shopping centers and grocery stores. But, I wouldn't say that I am a patsy-or that I am easily manipulated! At least I didn't think so until recently!

Yet, that is exactly what I've allowed to happen recently. My story is actually too lengthy to go into here. It involved a very loved and close family member who I believe now is very coy and knows exactly what is being done. I allowed the fact that this individual has suffered greatly and is also ill (mental health) to taint my thinking. In all fairness to myself, my judgment was clouded by how I feel for this person. However, this person's action hurt several other family members at a time of the year-Christmas Holidays-when we needed to be loving and caring toward one another. Needless to say, the holidays were marred and less than festive. Not to mention that it left a lasting impression on my psyche and I will not be caught off guard again anytime soon.

I played right into this person's hands and without knowing the whole story immediately went to her defense and lashed out at the accused. I am not proud of this-but, I feel like I've been blind-sided! The hurt feelings on the faces of loves ones is too much to bear when an injustice has been committed. Who ever coined the phrase "All Is Fair In Love And War" was not a very compassion person. In my opinion, whenever love is involved, be it the love between lovers, siblings or parent/child; the cost is great if it involves betrayal or manipulation. Whenever an individual pushes certain buttons to achieve a result in their favor, the consequences to the recipient are severe; maybe even devastating.

Something I did immediately when I realized something was wrong was to call someone else I trust and discussed the situation. This enabled me to diffuse it and to keep others from getting hurt. Now, the person who started all this isn't aware that I am on to the game and that now I am armed with better tools for coping next time without blowing everything out of proportion.

So what did I learn from this experience. Well many things:

Remember that there are two sides to every story.
Don't be too quick to judge.
Don't be too quick to over react without having all the facts.
Think about what motives might be in play.
Consider the individual telling or making accusations.
Who loses or gains?
Make sure you are not being used or manipulation.
If you do fall for the ploy-be big enough to apologize to all parties involved/wronged!
Address situation immediately-don't let hurt feelings linger!

But most importantly, forgive and forget - Especially to forgive myself!

What Are They Spraying? Look Up And Pay Attention!

2011-01-03T22:09:00.000-05:00

I found this interesting article regarding Chemtrails. Are you familiar with them? Last week, while I was looking up at the sky, I noticed the familiar tracks in the sky that even overlapped and cris-crossed over the skies of central Florida. I commented to my husband that there appeared to be an unusual amount of Chemtrails in the sky. Later on I read online comments made from other Floridians who were questioning what was going on, and today I received a newsletter and lo and behold one of the articles is about Chemtrails!

http://davidicke.com/headlines/42673-the-chemtrail-conditioning-program

So, this is not the normal thing I discuss on my blog, however, since I am very concerned for my health, I find it is very important to bring awareness to this phenomenon. I find it particularly interesting that every time I am out after the skies have been aerosol sprayed with possibly aluminum, barium and who knows what else, that my fibromyalgia acts up and I also develop respiratory problems (asthma). I haven't felt well for a couple of days after going to bed feeling perfectly well the night before; the day before I was outside when I noticed the tracks in the sky. Is this being done intentionally to make us sick. I'm not the paranoid type, but I'm beginning to wonder! It is distressing to me to think that I have no control over what they are spraying over our homes and land.

The article says that more than 90% of the population are unaware of the spraying that is taking place. And did you know that Alzheimers is on the increase? Apparently, according to the powers that be, the spraying is to prevent global warming. Yeah, right! Why are trees dying and birds falling out of the sky, etc. Please do yourself and your children a huge favor and research or take a look at what is being said regarding Chemtrails. Education is key.......we can make a difference!

http://davidicke.com/headlines/42673-the-chemtrail-conditioning-program

Where Did I Come From and Where Do I Really Belong?

2010-12-27T22:21:00.000-05:00

Every night, for as long as I can remember, I step outside and look up to the heavens or if you prefer the night sky. As I scan around looking at the many stars, planets and other lights. I am always sure to say a prayer of thanks for my many blessings; good or bad. Then I spend some time just speaking to whoever or whatever is listening. There are those that say some of us retain cell memories or maybe I should say "soul" memories from previous lives. So, from the time I was a child until present time, I have felt like I was on the outside looking in. I have always felt like I didn't belong and that I came from the heavens. Crazy right? Not so fast.....

Now. please understand something about me. I am a deep thinker who questions the why's, how's and the don't make sense! I've long ago questioned where humanity came from and why we are here. My unconventional thinking kept me from accepting and constantly questioning my Catholic upbringing. For example, if the bible and catholic doctrine were God's words, why were priests and nuns not afraid of suffering eternity in damnation. That is what they taught us. IF you sin you go to HELL!! Yet, they were sinning all the time! Example of that is the sex abuse scandals. Sexually abusing boys or any child for that matter in my book deserves burning in hell for all eternity!! I didn't really mean to digress there but I needed you to see an example of how my mind works and what kinds of things I question. Needless to say, I am no longer a practicing Catholic.

So, back to my previous comment about sky watching. In the past few months I've been reading some really thought provoking stuff. I've read about how ancient aliens came to earth to mine gold and other precious minerals and needed worker/slaves so they used DNA from primitive man and joined it with their own to create a race of slaves to work at building the pyramids and also working the mines for them. One of the actors made the comment that if this is true than we are "their children." Whew! Big Breath!!! Sounds ludicrous-does it not? This is what I'm talking about. These are the kinds of things that run through my mind. The irony in this is that over this weekend, my husband and I saw a movie made in the 1980 called "Hangar 18" and guess what? The premise of the movie was exactly what I just said. One of the actors even made the comment that if this is true then we are "their children." Now where did they-the writers- get this crazy idea from?

Is it possible that some of us can actually sense that we are different? Is that why some of us are more psychic than others? If you have ever felt like you were not quite like everyone else or you are constantly drawn to books and movies about anything otherworldly......you are not crazy!

Adult children of abuse or alcoholic parents experience all sorts of dilemmas and exhibit many different traits then most normal people. Some grow up to be multiple personalities. Some grow up to repeat the sins of the parents. Some grow up exhibiting unusual characteristics and talents. I learned how to escape in my mind and imagine lots of alternative lives. I learned to question everything and to take nothing on blind faith. If I could have chosen anywhere else to live, why did I choose to be born into an alcoholic, abusive and poor household?

I know my spirit came from elsewhere and that I am having a human experience.......as I stare into the night sky, I am still asking "where did I come from and where do I really belong?"

10 Things I am Grateful For!

2010-12-23T23:55:00.000-05:00

Earlier today, I was reflecting on what I am grateful for and counting my blessings. I try to do this at least once a day no matter what is going on in my life! I must say that I am grateful for the challenges in my life, without them I wouldn't be able to appreciate everything else. For example, I received the results to a recent MRI of my lower back (lumbar). Every two years I must be checked; in 2006 I had a cancerous tumor removed. Although I have some disk and spinal problems, my test results came back negative. That is wonderful news!

Many days are challenging for me since I experience pain on a daily basis. However, I never focus on that. To me, being able to get up every morning without the help of a cane or walker or any other prosthesis brings me joy like you wouldn't believe. I have learned how to monitor my life and activities so that I can lead a comfortable life. Many things are out of my control of course and I can't always anticipate what the day will bring and how I will physically react. What I mean by that is that no matter what I schedule for any particular day, reality kicks in and re-routes my plans. Sometimes these drastic changes can reek havoc on my body and at those instances I simply adjust my thinking and use positive affirmations. I also use a reward system. For example, I reward myself by vegging out on my recliner in front of the TV or listen to some great music after I take care of what needs to be done.

During this Holiday Season, there are presents to buy, food shopping, family visiting, baking and overindulging. Great fun-right? I think so. I really appreciate being able to do all these things because I believe that you need to have things to look forward to-something to get you out of bed every morning! Especially when you think of what the alternatives are.

So, what else I am grateful for? Here I will share 10 things. They are not in any priority-only in the order as they popped in my head.

We live in Florida and it has been rather chilly. It's quite an adjustment when the weather gets cold because our skin is thin. I am grateful that at least we don't get snow and ice.
I am grateful for our beautiful home and all the modern comforts.
I am grateful that I am surrounded with a large family and supportive friends which can be counted on when needed.
I am grateful that I have the love of a wonderful and generous husband.
I am grateful everyday for the spiritual guidance I receive from my guardian Angels. I have had many close calls in traffic lately where my reaction was due to outside forces and the outcome could have been disastrous.
I am grateful that my parents can share yet one more Holiday Season with us in spite of their health.
I am truly grateful for my freedom and that I am able to do whatever I want within reason without living in fear.
I am grateful for my two beautiful toy poodles who give me unconditional love.
I am grateful that I have everything that I need to live comfortably.
I am grateful for all the blessings currently in my life and those which have not yet arrived.

I would also like to add that I am grateful for my readers. I hope and pray that I have created a spark in you which will prompt you to look for things to be grateful for in your life as well!

Merry Christmas and a Prosperous New Year!

Elderly, Frail and fighting to Survive!

2010-12-21T19:47:00.000-05:00

Last night was one of those insomnia laced nights where no matter how hard I tried, I could not get comfortable. I even got up to let the dogs out at about 2:30 a.m. and witnessed the most beautiful eclipse of the moon. The moon was bright orange and the stars looked like I could just reach up and touch them. It's times like this when you suddenly are aware of how small you are as the overwhelming vision of the night sky can take your breath away. I went back to bed, but sleep eluded me. So, when the phone rang at about 8:15 a.m. I was just looking forward to a restful morning; slowly sipping my coffee and scouring the newspaper for Pre-Christmas sales. But, the universe was conspiring against me-yet once more!

The person on the other end of the line was one of my sisters. She said: "I am at the hospital but don't worry nothing serious it's just that Mom called me at 6 a.m. to tell me that Pop wasn't feeling well. He has not been to the bathroom in 3 days. He is being checked out by the doctors and I need you to come to the hospital to help me as I need to go to the airport to pick up my son and family who are visiting for holidays." Of course I was very concerned as my Pop is 89 and in frail health. Apparently, he didn't tell Mom that he was having difficulty going to the bathroom as he was afraid of being taken to the hospital; his least favorite place in the world!

Well, at this point the fact that I had not slept well and the idea of the quiet morning quietly sipping my coffee
and reading the paper would have to wait. As I drove to the hospital, I thought about how the roles have changed in the last few years. This is the man who I so feared as a child. This was the man who made me so afraid of him that I would wet the bed every night. This was the man whose voice would make me shake and tremble when I would hear him coming home from what ever bar he had recently visited. This was the man I would secretly wish would drop dead after he would physically hurt me. Now I am rushing on my way to the hospital as worry occupies my mind not knowing what I will see when I get to the hospital.

As it turns out, when I reached the hospital they were discharging him after treating him in the emergency room. He is 89 after all; not much they can do-with congestive heart failure, swollen ankles, barely able to walk without a cane, and most bodily functions going haywire and now he is a mere shell of his former self. The small, decrepit man no longer looks intimidating as he is wheeled out of the emergency room. There is no longer anything to fear. If you blew on him, he would probably fall down to the floor. Now he needs help to care for himself. That looming and intimidating man I used to run and hide from is losing his life energy and essence. Little-by-little his light is dimming as his body is showing its age and he is inching toward the final days in this existence. He is now visibly uncomfortable about how he has to depend upon me and other to care for him.

I know that he knows what he did and now he is defenseless. You would think that I would feel some sort of satisfaction in seeing him as he is now. But that couldn't be further from the truth! I don't know why he has had such a long life and how it is that he has beaten the odds. With all his health issues, he should have passed away years ago. But, there is such a desire in him to live; to survive. And as I stand over him while he sits in his room at home, I can't help feeling protective over him and anxious to make sure that he is comfortable. He will now have to wear diapers, and when he breathes there is a rattle which is evident of fluid in his lungs. His 90 birthday is May 16th of next year and I worry that he faces many challenges to reach that milestone!

At this point, I pray that he gets to enjoy another Christmas with his family......just one more time!

It's Been A While-Nice To Be Back!

2010-12-20T12:09:00.000-05:00

The headlines in today's paper reads: "I begged her to leave him" and as I scanned over there was a picture of a beautiful lady who was the victim in this story. Once again, domestic violence has reared it's ugly head. The killer was her boyfriend of 6 years and the father of one of her children. She could or would not leave him because she was crazy about him. Many times she could not go to work because of her bruises and black eyes. I think she got used to the pain and suffering-she probably never thought in her wildest dreams that he would kill her!

Having been a victim of child abuse and then later of domestic abuse, I can well relate to the nightmare this unfortunate lady was living. As a child, I had no alternative or choices as to whether to leave or stay. I was stuck living with my circumstances. I finally put my foot down and threatened to report him when I was 18. Now you think, well that was old enough for me to make my own decisions and move out. You need to understand that this was a different time and era. I was still in high school and my options were limited.

However, as an adult, when faced with domestic violence. He was the love of my life-or so I thought! How naive! I knew that I had only one choice and that was to leave. But, not before experiencing several years of bullying, beatings and emotional distress. For me the final straw was having to abort a fetus when I realized I was pregnant and on the verge of divorce. He claimed it was not his. I was one of the lucky ones as I was threatened by him with a gun when he was served with divorce papers and would have to pay child support.

Many years later, I am left wondering what is it about human nature that causes such battering. Why do parents abuse their children? Why do partners abuse and kill their so called loved ones? What causes individuals to be violent? What makes anyone want to hit, punch or kill a domestic partner? The only answer I can come up with is that these individuals are not like the rest of us. They are wired differently! Is their anger like a disease? Maybe in a previous life they were victims of some horrible crime and their soul remembers, so in this life they seek retaliation. I know one thing these batterers have in common is the need to be in control-to dominate! The other thing they have in common is that they lack compassion! Otherwise, how could they lift a hand to strike anyone or anything!

Unfortunately, the victims of child abuse or any type of abuse if they survive, are left with long term physical and emotional scars. As evident by the stories of multiple personality disorder victims, those who suffer from mental disorders, some fibromyalgia sufferers (like myself) and many other examples to numerous to mention. Yes, we are survivors and yes we are FREE of the abuse if you finally break the pattern, but you are never really FREE as the reminders creep up when you turn on the TV or open up the Newspaper-So, I am left to wonder; to keep questioning the-WHYS!

Manifesting By Default!

2009-07-28T19:08:00.007-04:00

I have recently started re-reading the wonderful books and works by Esther and Jerry Hicks (The Teachings of Abraham). I have already read "Ask and It Is Given" and "The Law of Attraction". I am really looking forward to reading some of their other books. But, for now, I enjoy re-reading books from my current library especially if the material conveyed is what I consider "heavy" reading. It seems that I am guided to these types of books and material with an urgency that I can't explain. So, I guess you can say that the Law of Attraction is working through me and trying to get my attention big time.

As long as I can remember, I have tried to monitor my thoughts so that I make sure that I am manifesting what I really want and not what I don't want. This is not too easy to do. As a result, I feel that I still need alot of work and if I keep reading and re-reading my favorite books by my favorite authors maybe something will sink in and stick. Now, I am aware that there are many other wonderful books, CD's and DVD's by other well qualified authors which could help me in my quest to live the perfect life in a place called Utopia. However, something very compelling in the works of Esther and Jerry Hicks and Abraham has me mesmerized and fixated on them. I believe that the reason for this is that I had a life altering experience in 1994 which I can not explain but have always accepted because of the comfort I derived from that experience.

My life in 1994 was, to put it mildly in "shambles". I was raising two teenagers alone and was in financial trouble. Everything that could go wrong did and in spades. At night after the kids would go to bed, I would retreat to my bedroom to pray, meditate and cry out of despair. I would pray to whoever was listening to me in spirit or in the universe. Usually, I would sit on the floor or curl up like a ball while trying to keep my misery from my children. I don't remember how long or how many nights I did this routine but I felt this was what I had to do. One night after crawling into bed and turning off the lights, I had just closed my eyes when suddenly I heard a voice call out my name. I opened my eyes and listened very quietly thinking I was imagining it. Then I heard my name again and this time the voice told me not to be afraid. It felt like I was listening to the radio. The voice was very clear and resonated right there in my room all around me. It was a male voice and it was very gentle and kind sounding. He told me that even though it seemed like I'd been cursed in my life that I should not despair because everything was going to get better. My life was going to turn around and that I should just try to sleep and rest. He told me to trust in what he was saying. Surprisingly, I was not afraid and did fall asleep. Long story short, he was right! Amazingly and immediately my life took a tremendous turn for the better and although there have been some hic-cups along the way, I have not ever again felt the amount of emotional pain and despair that I felt then.

So, now, I'm back to where I started regarding re-reading certain books. I know that in 1994 I couldn't have known that I needed to focus on only what I wanted and not what I didn't want. All I know is that I was terrified about where the money was going to come from to pay the bills or even how I was going to make it to work. Yet, I was often rewarded with unexpected money coming in the mail or a commission check I didn't know was owed to me. The bills got paid and money would somehow materialize. Once I received an unexpected check for $10,000 dollars for an unexpected sale I had made at work.

My life now is wonderful and 1994 was a lifetime ago. I am and always have been a BIG believer of Angels. Did one of mine talk to me that night or did I have my own Abraham experience? I don't know. I do know this, if I was manifesting by default back in 1994, when I finally get the hang of what Esther and Jerry Hicks and Abraham are trying to teach me now........Watch out! The sky's the limit!!!!!

Mother's Day At My House This Year-We Will Have Fun!!

2009-05-11T14:03:00.007-04:00

Mother's Day was at my house this year. I haven't done that in years because there has always been tension and sibling rivalry between my two sisters and me. It seems that when you grow up the way we did, there are so many unresolved issues. I am forever amazed at the fact that we had any chance at all to grow up and have somewhat normal lives. I make that statement cautiously as I am not sure what normalcy is. However, every now and then I experiment to see if I can achieve it and spend some family time together as other people do. I am still looking for that which I missed out on as a little girl.

There comes a time in your life where you need to evaluate what is important and what isn't. I have always been the type to let bygones-be-bygones. Some would say that I look at life through rose-colored glasses. So what's wrong with that? I take chances and risk getting hurt again. But, you know what? I know one thing........I don't have regrets because at least I try. I put myself on the line and extend the olive branch for the sake of my peace of mind and peace of heart.

When I was living at home with my parents, Mother's Day was like any other holiday. Mom would cook lechon asado (roast pork) spanish rice and for dessert we had some arroz con dulce (rice pudding). This is a traditional Puerto Rican holiday meal. That was one of the few childhood memories I can remember. I can still smell the aroma of the roast pork cooking slowly in the oven. The wonderful smells would float through out the house including the sweet smell of cinnamon which she carefully sprinkled on the rice pudding before placing it in the refrigerator.

That is such a lovely memory and thought..........Screech!!! Put on the brakes; back to reality. In walks my father and suddenly we are thrown back into the world of chaos and turmoil which is our daily life. Nerves are rattled....fear sets in and the tension is thick. He's been to the neighborhood bar again and so much for peace and quiet. You know those commercials where they show the man yelling and pounding his fists with the veins in his head swelling and the children are cowering and hiding from him and..........well you know the rest!

Well, I broke from tradition this Mother's Day and prepared delicious ribs, corn on the cob and sweet plaintains. One of my sisters brought roasted chicken. Another brought Corona beer and my sister-in-law brought a wonderful southwestern dip. Mother made a wonderful potato salad at my request. My sisters and I played in the swimming pool with our nephews and niece and the weather was gorgeous. We even had apple pie and ice cream for dessert. There was laughing and joking and nothing but fun.

My dad is 87 now- old and frail and all he said when he arrived was "You know I don't like a lot of noise" as my two poodles barked at him when he shuffled his feet as he walked across the room. I looked at him and said "well then you are in the wrong place and the wrong house and with the wrong family"........as we plan to make lots of noise today. He just snickered as he found a comfortable seat out on the patio next to my husband. I was determined that it would be a wonderful and fun day and guess what.........it was!!!

Psychic Dreams Coming True

2009-04-26T12:45:00.003-04:00

When I was a child I was often told that I was "sensitive" and at times I was "too sensitive". Yes, things would affect me deeply and my feelings would get hurt. And yes, I cried way too easily over the simplest things or the slightest insult. In my mind, I had too curly hair or my features were too prominent. Actually, I grew up looking like I was Asian or Philipino in spite of the fact I was born in Puerto Rico. Anyway, I was always too critical of my looks and kids in school made fun of me. If anyone at home looked at me cross-eyed, you guessed it........I cried.

Later on as I grew older, the word "sensitive" took on new meaning. Now, I was actually sensing things. For example, I knew the phone was going to ring before it did. I've had many dreams that came true the next day. I had visions of disasters before they occurred and was later able to verify the occurrence. I have felt or sensed the presence of relatives before they passed away, as if saying goodbye to me. Ok, before I go on I am not like the lady on the TV show Medium. I do not keep waking my husband up every night due to foretelling dreams. I have convoluted dreams that make no sense until the next day when someone calls me or I am reminded in another way thru some kind of experience.

Here is an example of what happened a couple of nights ago. I dreamt about 2 of my sisters. We were all gathered with other friends at one of their homes. I remember it was getting late and I wanted to sleep but, she only had one bed and one baby crib. One of my sisters was sleeping in the crib with 2 babies. One which I had just put down next to her and the other child is the one she already has. There were also 2 puppies. The next morning my other sister called me all excited because her son texted her saying that he and his wife were pregnant and that the baby was due in December 2009. Today, I also found out that I am a great-grandmother! Oh, and get this, I dreamt the another night that I saw a "summons" like an eviction notice or some kind of legal document attached to my neighbors door. Well, the next day I received a summons alright to appear for jury duty!

I need to say that I suffer from Insomnia. I am a night owl! In other words, I like to stay up and work on my computer, or watch late TV and I think this is because I can't fall asleep easily. I have had this problem for many years. I believe that it stems from being afraid of the dark when I was a child. Being afraid of my drunken father might also have something to do with that(please see previous posts). I also believe that as I grew older, that falling asleep when I was totally alone, which I was for almost 9 years, meant that I had to give up control and that I would be hurt and who would be there to help me if something did happen to me. So, now unless I take a sleeping pill or wait until I am totally exhausted, I have many sleepless nights and when I do sleep I have prophetic or psychic dreams.

For sometime now, since I started taking MaxGXL to help me to sleep better, I am still struggling with Insomnia. It has been difficult to break the sleeping pill habit so I toss and turn until about 3 am. I know that once my glutathione levels are higher that my body will adjust and that eventually sleep will come. You see I like my lucid psychic dreams and when I take sleeping pills I don't dream or maybe can't remember them...........I will let you know................

The New Fabulous Me At 60!!

2009-03-22T11:55:00.005-04:00

A few weeks ago, I turned the BIG 60!! No big thing.....right? Honestly, I didn't feel any different nor did I have some miraculous metamorphosis or would I? As a matter of fact turning 40 was more traumatic as I remember. You see, one of my sisters sent me black balloons and a black coffee cup. All of my friends sent me birthday cards expressing the same sentiment as if this was the end of my life instead of just the beginning!

Well, that was 20 years ago, and little did I know that my sister's black balloons would be symbolic of how my life would twist and turn and how I would sink so low, as if I had fallen into an abyss I could not climb out of. I went thru broken marriages, family difficulties, personal financial disaster and not the least of health concerns.

Fast forward to the present. My life couldn't be happier. I am happily married to the best husband in the world. At least that's my opinion. All of the negativity and black clouds that were over me have gone. I am healthier than I've been in many years. I feel like a NEW woman!!

I have always been a big believer in vitamin supplementation and eating well. But, my body and mind have taken quite a beating due to serious back surgery in 2006. However, I remained steadfast in my beliefs that I could help myself with positive thinking and good nutrition. The only problem was that certain medications I needed to take for severe pain, were wearing me down and now not only was I sick from pain but also due to the toxicity of the drugs I needed to take just to make my day bearable.

In my search for a way out of this cycle, I came across a product that took me completely by surprise! IT is what I call my miracle worker!! While I was ill, I could not sit or stand comfortably......nor could I stay in any position too long without feeling discomfort. I also suffered from fibromyalgia. So that meant spending lots of time in bed with only short periods up and about until I could not bear the pain and back to bed I went.

Now, I am back to writing, dancing, cleaning house, playing with my granddaughter and spending more time with my husband and dogs sitting on the patio. The decreased inflammation in my body has actually reduced my pain. My body is detoxifying!! I have cut my medications by two-thirds. My energy levels are like I haven't felt in many years. My mind is clear and I have a wonderful sense of well being that I thought I would never feel again.

Alright, I'll tell you what this miracle worker is. It's call Glutathione!- Your Body's Miracle-Working Super-Protein. The bad news is.........Your Glutathione Levels are FALLING!

Your body's supply is beginning to decline 10% to 15% per decade starting at the age of 20. Stress, exercise, infection, injury and environmental toxins are just a few of the factors that can significantly reduce glutathione. This can result in lower levels of energy, higher cellular inflammation, and a greater vulnerability to cellular damage, ACCELERATED AGING and potentially compromised immune function.

The Good News is.........
Maxgxl Can Dramatically Raise Your Glutathione Levels.
Conducting blood tests in which glutathione levels were measured in white blood cells, Maxgxl creator Dr. Robert H. Keller was able to verify significant increases in every subject tested. Subjects experienced substantially increased glutathione levels after only three months of daily use. Because every individual is different, results will vary.

Check out why Doctors are embracing this......
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Signed:
The NEW Fabulous Me At 60
But don't take my word for it........check it out for yourself!!!!!!

2009-02-21T11:05:00.002-05:00

Lately, I've been thinking how difficult it must be for all of those that are experiencing hard times in this very trying economy. How can someone who is concerned about next month's rent or mortgage or how they are going to pay the utility bills, maintain a positive attitude? Keeping your mind focused on work, family, or anything else, when all you are feeling is fear, anxiety and worry is one of the biggest challenges anyone can face, let alone overcome.

My heart goes out to anyone who unfortunately finds themselves in this predicament. Not too many years ago, I was in the same boat. At the time, I was raising children, paying a mortgage, car payment and everything that comes along with taking care of a family as a single parent. I had just lost my job and to make matters worse, I was in a severe car accident which laid me up for about a month. I had no one to help me except for my 15 year old daughter.Needless to say, I had many sleepless nights!

So I know a little about suffering set backs. I remember thinking then, what am I going to do? How will I manage? I also remember the lonely nights in my bedroom after my children had gone to bed crying in sheer desperation and fear and asking God to please help me to figure things out.

Somewhere during all of this torment, I was able to reach deep down in my soul and found a way to find the positives in all that I was experiencing. I decided that I had two choices; to give up and go crazy or to pick myself up and work on my problems one at a time. I started listening to every self-help tape I could afford. My favorite was always anything by Wayne Dyer. I spent a lot of time in deep meditation. I started practicing the Law of Attraction without even knowing that I was doing it! I made an effort to learn the lessons in all that happened.

I was able to turn my life around just by changing the way I think. Don't get me wrong things didn't just miraculously turn around. It took effort and some work on my part. But, the important thing is that I learned how to live my life better through positive thinking!

Today, nothing has changed. We still face the same problems and maybe worse. There are so many people who are facing jobs losses, foreclosures and more. Trying to maintain a positive outlook is easier said than done. However, no matter how dire we think our problems are, there is someone else suffering worse. The point is that we are able to overcome anything and if we maintain a positive thinking attitude and look forward, we can turn things around!

It Is Such A Relief When It Ends..................

2009-01-08T10:25:00.006-05:00

Yesterday, I took down the Christmas Tree and all of the beautiful decorations that I had all over the house. It took all day to carefully wrap my treasured Santa Claus collection. There are many, and the children loved them. My daughter-in-law said that my house looked like Santa's Workshop My beautiful wreaths were all place in their special container, being careful not to crush them.

It seems like such a let down, when a couple of weeks before I was running all over to pick just the right gifts for my loved ones. I was busily trying to accommodate and entertain my out of town guests who were visiting for the Holidays! I was trying to remember who to pick up last minute gifts for and also thinking about how to plan when to serve Christmas dinner. Do we eat Christmas Eve or on Christmas Day? We decided that it was best to have my daughter and her two children, plus an invited friend, to join us on Christmas Eve and spend the night so that we could have Christmas morning together and the children would all be there to open their presents. Oh, how wonderful that was for me. I have not spent Christmas with both of my children together in over 10 years. The emotions were running high for me. I don't think they really understood how it made me feel to be surrounded by the people I love the most!

The weather here in Florida was absolutely gorgeous and still is. The Children, grandchildren and guest are gone and home safely doing their routines and living their lives. And as I contemplate all that took place over the last few weeks, all of the hustle and bustle, all of the adrenalin mustered to stay energized and as I look over my house neatly back the way it used to be, I am so happy to get my life back to normal. I love to see The Holiday Season come, however it is such a relief when it ends!!!

There Are Still Many Tears To Dry.........

2008-12-15T17:19:00.003-05:00

When I was a little girl, I didn't get to play much with dolls or spend time on play dates. I wasn't allowed to hang around with friends and have sleep overs and go shopping to malls. We didn't have a puppy or cat. We did play outdoors as long as I was watching my younger siblings and as long as we stayed within a certain play area. At Christmas time, I remember receiving one of those little dolls that had arm and legs held together by rubber bands and the minute you tried to twist the arms or legs, they would break. I would find another rubber band and somehow find a way to fix it. The other types of dolls I got were the paper dolls that came with paper clothes with tabs to fold back behind the doll. Ladies, you know the kind I am talking about-don't you? In those days, our parents could not afford fancy Barbie type dolls and all the accessories that came with them. Also, when I was allowed to play, those times were infrequent. I cherished those precious moments and I savored them like they were the last time. You see if my father found me playing I was usually scolded and or beaten and told to find chores to do. I was only nine or ten then.

There were many times when I would coerce my brothers and sister to grab (I think we borrowed it) a red wagon and run down the hill where the neighbors had lots of fruit trees. There were apple, pears and cherry trees in the neighborhood where we lived in New Jersey. We were so young and did not know the difference between ripe fruit and unripened fruit. But,anyhow,as one of us climbed the tree one of the other siblings would keep a look out for either my father, who would come looking for us, or the neighbor who owned the fruit trees. After we collected our bounty, we would find a hiding spot to eat the fruit. Have you ever had unripened apples or pears? Not very tasty! When my father found us, out came the thick belt and he would chase us as we ran crying and screaming back into the house because we knew severe punishment was waiting.

The above story is meant to give you a small insight and sampling as to how I spent some of my childhood. I want to impress upon my readers that much of what happens in our childhood affects how we grow up and how we are shaped as adults if we allow it! We can either get lost in the past and what did or did not happen and cast blame for everything that goes wrong in our adulthood, or we can use the past as a catalyst to improve our lives and find fun and happiness. Just because I am grown up, does not mean that I cannot find ways to be that little girl. I have the freedom to do as I please. There is no longer that threat of being beaten or to live in fear. I can play with dolls if I want. I can and do hug the little girl in me. I nurture her and tell her I love her and she is learning how to play without being afraid. The little girl in me is learning to take time off and do absolutely nothing or to ask what I want without reservation. I do not allow biological years to deter me from spending moments with her. There are still many tears to dry and loving words to say.

If you were to visit my home at this time of year, the first thing you would see is all the Santa Claus figures adorning my home. Most of them are musical and have motion at the touch of a button. There are many other figures, all Holiday related which make my home look like a Christmas Shop. My wonderful husband indulges me and contributes to the collection yearly. My Christmas tree has been put up with the help of my grandsons and stands regally adorned with festive ornaments and treasured momentos. In another week, the house will be alive with the laughter and chatter of five grandchildren for the first time in ten years. My grown children and spouses will be home for Christmas! There will be lots of playing going on and there will be much happiness and fun!!!!!

Breaking From Tradition-Doing My Own Thing!!!

2008-12-02T13:36:00.016-05:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about the effects of alcoholism on the pecking order of the siblings in my family. For example, in my family there are (7) siblings of which 4 are male and 3 female. I am the second eldest and the oldest of the females. Now, Why would this be on my mind so much, you might ask? Well, let me put it this way, although we have all grown up to be decent, good citizens, well-educated and law abiding, we all have our quirks and personality differences. Understandably, I was not the only one of my siblings to suffer from my father's drinking. I would not be so selfish as to want to stake that claim. And I certainly don't want that label as my claim to fame. My father's heavy drinking took it's toll on all of us. My mother's inability or refusal to remove us from that environment, did not help us either. Her cultural background and her religious convictions would not permit her to even contemplate leaving him and removing us from that way of life.

The seven of us get along, however, there are cliques among some of them. For instance, my two sisters are closer to each other and exclude me from many things. The youngest sister is actually 19 years younger than me. So, we really don't have much in common and for some reason no matter how hard I try to infiltrate the clique, nothing seems to work. They in turn get along well with one of my middle brothers and our oldest brother. Sounds confusing doesn't it? Most of my brothers and sisters basically just tolerate me. They are all very obliging to my parents especially to mom.Mom is "queen bee"-self-proclaimed and we are never allowed to forget that. My sisters call mom at least twice a day. I call once a week. So, guess what? That makes me a bad daughter and sister in their opinion. Most of the time they are all oblivious to each other even when in the same room. Oh, don't get me wrong. There are greetings and fake kisses or what I like to call "air kisses" on major get togethers like Mother's Day, Christmas or whatever function. The rest of the time, none of them remembers anything about prior conversations or even what is currently happening. They all live in a me,me world and that is the only important thing. If I do anything to deviate from what they believe or think should happen, they get angry because I do not follow their rules. In other words, they take their toys and go home!
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Here is a perfect example and what got me thinking about this situation. Traditionally, the whole family unites for Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mother's Day, Father's Day and even to celebrate a broken toe if so ordered. This year, I chose to accept an invitation to celebrate Thanksgiving with my daughter-in-laws parents and family.How dare I do that! So, my husband, me,my son,his wife and little ones all went to Orlando and had a marvelous time. Every one talked and laughed and were interested in us and actually engaged in two way conversations. How novel! I haven't heard from my sisters who were not thrilled with my break from tradition.........

(to be continued.........)

Giving Thanks Every Day And Every Day is Thanksgiving!

2008-11-26T19:45:00.007-05:00

This year I have many things to be thankful for. My nature, generally, is to show gratitude for everything that the Universe and God send me........no matter how good or how bad. I have learned throughout my life that there is a reason and a purpose for what happens to us. Maybe, my life has turned out very well because I spend lots of time in thanksgiving. I do not need a special day of the year or a predetermined time to give thanks. I have made it a practice to do it daily. From the moment I get up in the morning until I go to bed at night, I am constantly mindful of the many blessing that I have in my life! I'd like to share with you what I am especially thankful for this Thanksgiving Day!

I am Thankful for my beautiful 11 month old granddaughter who was born last December. When she was born she immediately suffered a stroke and needed to be sent to a special baby hospital for 6 days. She was prescribed anti-seizure medication which she no longer needs. If you saw her now there is no evidence of the stroke and we are just waiting to see her walk. She is meeting every mark. She is the love of our lives.

I am Thankful that I am recovering from the surgical removal of a tumor from my lower back, which could have been detrimental to my health. I have been cancer free for 2 years. I still suffer from back pain but considering the alternative, I am very happy.

I am Thankful for my wonderful husband who is like an Angel sent by God. I believe he came into my life as a consolation for all the horrible things I experienced while growing up and also the abuse I suffered in my adult years. Because of him, I have reconciled with my adult son.

I am Thankful for the reconciliation with my only son. They say God works in mysterious ways. My son, his wife and children have moved from Missouri and have been living with us since May while they get on their feet. He lost his job and they had no other family near by. We (my husband and I) went up to Missouri and moved them to Florida. This will be our first Thanksgiving Day in 10 years! We are now very close and have agreed to leave the past behind.

I am Thankful that we get to enjoy a wonderful Thanksgiving with my son, my daughter in law and the grandchildren. We are spending the day at her parent's home, as this is the first time she has been near her family in years.

I am also Thankful that in the last couple of years I have found the courage to excuse myself from spending the holidays with my dysfunctional family. I choose to surround myself with love, tenderness and my new found family. I have never felt so much peace and comfort.

Happy Thanksgiving To All! May you spend your holiday surrounded by love and tenderness!!!

Memories Deeply Buried Come Rushing Thru!!!

2008-11-22T22:44:00.006-05:00

Tonight, as I was getting settled for bed, the phone rang and I received one of those dreaded phone call. It was my mother and she sounded like she has been crying. She called to tell me that her only living brother, who had suffered a stroke earlier that week has passed away. As it was later discovered, he has discontinued taking his medicine for high blood pressure and was not following doctors orders. I listened and wished her my deepest sorrow for her loss. She also wanted to let me know that she would be flying out to Puerto Rico in the morning.

Poor mom she was really grieving his loss and I hope that she will be able to deal with her pain. Maybe the chance to see her other siblings will help out I haven't seen my uncle in many years, however when mom gave me the news, it hit me like a ton of bricks. You see, when we were little we always looked forward to their visits. They would come bearing gifts like cookies, and candy. They added normalcy to my not normal world. He would visit; I got to laugh and have fun. So, tonight has been very difficult and I have been having old memories rushing in and I reveled in them and I have also said good bye.

Please excuse my post as I am not thinking right now...........I need to get back to my memories!

From Adult Child Of Alcoholic Father To Mother Without Operating Instructions!How Dare I Come Without A How To Parent Manual!!!\

2008-11-20T12:34:00.013-05:00

When growing up in Newark, NJ, and later in Chicago, Illinois, it never occurred to me that my family life was not normal. As far as I was concerned, every home had a father and mother who lived in turmoil and constant battle. Every child came home to find dad in a drunken stupor and mom sitting off in a corner seething mad. I accepted the fact that your parents had the right to take out their anger on the children and that it was no one's business. Back in those days, there was no such thing as calling the authorities. Besides, I was too frightened to even think about such a thing.

Alright now fast forward to my life as an adult with children. I always knew that one day, I would be a mom and I also knew that I would not have a large family. Helping to raise 6 brothers and sisters was all I needed to remind me why I wouldn't..........I was a mom at the tender age of 9 if you also take into consideration that I did help raise my siblings and I had no choice. But, as an adult and at the young age of 21 I became a mom for the first time. I was so happy to be pregnant and I wanted my baby. My husband at the time was someone I had met from the neighborhood I lived in, when we moved to Chicago in my senior year of high school. He was more experienced than I was and had alot of street smarts as well. We decided to get married because I thought I was in love. I"m not sure what he thought! He was my knight in shining armor. He rescued me. I was so anxious to get out of the house. What did I know? And how was I to know that I would still be living the same life as before, but with a different person.

I had seem the signs but ignored them.........I was naive and anxious to start my own life. Maybe it was the time that my husband punched me in the stomach when I was 8 months pregnant or was it the time his girlfriends would call the house asking for him............or maybe when he left me alone with a sick baby with no money and no way to get to the drug store to get medicine......Do you see the pattern? My life was normal because it was normal when I was growing up. I would repeat and allow this behavior a second time (baby #2) and a 3rd time and again. By the time I was 38, I had been married 4 times. I kept marrying my father-I was attracting and marrying the same type as my father.

My son is now 38 years old and he and I have had many challenges in our relationship. We were estranged for a number of years.He resented the choices I made of the men I married. He was also angry with me for many things I was not even aware of. He kept many pent up feelings deep down and it showed for many years. Now we are working on our relationship. However, last night we had a very emotional blow out regarding something that was brought up from our long ago past. You see I did not come with a HOW TO PARENT MANUAL. I was suppose to be perfect and was not allowed to make mistakes! My son expects me to put aside anything that ever happened to me as a child and not to use my upbringing as excuses for my behavior. But, he isn't willing to do the same for me.

When We Forgive Can We Truly Forget And Leave The Past Behind?- Do The Scars of Abuse Last A Lifetime?

2008-11-18T11:04:00.006-05:00

Recently, my elderly Father was visiting my husband and me while my Mother was on a trip to visit her sister, who was in a nursing home in Puerto Rico. Now, as an adult, I have had a fairly good relationship with both of my parents. That is one of the reasons why when my mom has to leave my dad to go on a trip, he comes to stay with my husband and me, although I have other siblings living close by. My father is incapable of doing certain things for himself and needs help with meals. Besides, he loves my husband Max and tells everyone that we treat him like a "king". He truly enjoys the pampering he receives from us!

My father quit drinking a long time ago when he retired. He is now 87 years old and a different person than he was when he drank. Now, he is a broken down, sickly man who by the grace of God has been taken care of by his family and no longer remembers the tyrant he was years ago. He is funny and sharp as a tack. He is up to date on current events and watches CNN news daily. On Sundays, when he can't attend Mass at Church, he watches it on TV. He is still demanding and expects to be attended to right now and refuses to be ignored. But, he is a different man. He is no longer the menacing mean abusive drunk that he used to be. And I am no longer the little girl who was terrified of him!

Now is now and then was then.........I have heard that no matter what happens in your youth, that you should leave it behind because it is over. You must live in the present. You can't do anything about the past. All of the modern day Guru's tell you that when you hold on to the past you are only hurting yourself. It is time to move on.........They tell you to Forgive and Forget!
Well, I have forgiven. But, am I able to Forget? I have my moments................there are many triggers that set me off. I still have a difficult time when I see daddy's with their little girls. I wanted to be daddy's little girl! I cringe when I hear arguing and yelling. I can still after all of these years, when I close my eyes, remember cowering and hiding from my dad. And I remember that my mother never came to my rescue...........

When my father was visiting the last time, he proceeded to tell my husband Max that he was happy and ready to go to the great beyond. He said that one thing he was the most proud of was that he never laid a hand on me. I was standing near the sink when he said that, and I immediately broke down and shouted to him that he was not telling the truth. I got very upset and he seemed very surprised by my reaction. I told him that he hit me every chance he got and was very abusive to me especially when he drank which was all the time. My old, frail father got up from the chair and came over to me and asked me not to cry and apologized for any wrong he may have committed. In front of my husband, my father said he was sorry!

It was near bed time and he went into his bedroom. I followed him and told him that he didn't have to worry about whether my siblings and I hold ill feelings. I told him I forgave him and that my siblings have forgiven him. He was so relieved and I could tell that he was. It's been a heavy burden for him because he did not want to die without forgiveness from his children, especially forgiveness from me........I guess when you are in the winter of your life, you think about such things!

I gently kissed my dad and told him that I loved him and that it was over...........I told him to rest comfortably and know that he was forgiven and that he needed to go to bed and not to worry any more...............I told him to forget about everything!

I have Forgiven him and I am trying to Forget.............that may take a little longer!!!

Move On And Move Forward!!!

2008-11-10T12:21:00.006-05:00

I live in Sunny Florida, in a beautiful house with an enclosed swimming pool and we are surrounded by a beautiful lake. When I get up in the morning, I grab my nice hot cup of coffee and newspaper and sit outside on the patio to enjoy the beautiful fresh air, the large majestic Cranes who make the lake their home, and all of the lush Palm trees and greenery which frame our property. This is my Paradise!

In the last week since my last post, I have been feeling very poorly. Ever since the surgery on my back in 2004, I tend to have wonderful days and then there are some not so wonderful days. The not so wonderful days I spend mostly in bed due to excruciating pain when I walk. For some reason, unknown to me, I seemed worse this last week. No matter what I tried, pain pills, stretches, resting in bed, yoga etc. nothing worked and I found myself walking hunched over more than the "Hunch-Back of Notre Dame". (That was one of my favorite films by the way). Anyway, being a student of metaphysics and the art of Positive Thinking, it finally hit me that maybe my recent bout with severe back pain may actually have something to do with how I have been feeling spiritually and also emotionally.

I am not a religious person but, I am Spiritual. I am the type that gives thanks for everything good or bad constantly count my blessing, and they are many. I usually walk out on the patio and in the stillness and silence of the night, offer prays of gratitude to the Universe and the Spirits that guide me. But, I think I had been forgetting to ask for blessings for myself. I was just accepting my fate and never bothered to say that I wanted help healing and getting rid of my pain. I believe that comes from many things in my childhood where I was not allowed to ask for anything or maybe did not feel deserving of it.

So, after suffering through a rough weekend, yesterday morning something was different. I was feeling sad and at the same time angry.I was very angry that I needed a cane to help me walk. I wanted to throw the cane into the lake. While sitting out on my beautiful patio and enjoying the beautiful morning, a little voice in me told me to re-examine the events of the previous week. There were some personal things happening in my life. How had I been processing this? Was I internalizing and not speaking up or letting off steam? And like a lightning strike it hit me!! I had some pent up anger.......which literally stopped me in my tracks. I could not MOVE ON or did not want to MOVE FORWARD until these issues were resolved. Needless to say, the opportunity presented itself yesterday near dinner time. I had a heated exchange with my darling husband and I was able to let off some steam and finally open up about somethings that were bothering me. We were at an impasse, so I just went off for a quiet drive to clear my mind and to cry. When I got back I felt wonderful. I still had to use the cane, but my soul felt better.

This morning as I grabbed my cup of coffee and newspaper and walked out on the patio, my husband greeted me with a kiss, the morning air seemed even fresher and the lake was more beautiful than ever...............oh and the cane? Well, it sits alone in a corner of my bedroom!!

2008-11-03T12:25:00.000-05:00

So, did you get a Trick or a Treat?

Halloween has come and gone and as I sit here thinking about how much fun I had celebrating the holiday with my children and grandchildren, receiving trick or treaters at my front door and reminiscing about how we celebrated as children, I was reminded of a few of my favorite stories.

Now, keep in mind in my previous post I gave you some insight into my tormented childhood so some of this may be funny and some of this maybe sad.

Today's kids really have it made! Don't they? Their parents begin preparing for Halloween weeks in advance. They buy lots of candy to pass out. They take the kids shopping for costumes. They prepare elaborate parties...............and they still have time to take the kiddies trick or treating! Why, many of the parents even drink their cocktails while they stroll along as their sweet little ones run up to the front door full of anticipation of what goodies they will receive. My own grandchildren and nephews were so wired and excited about going trick or treating that they did not even remember that they hate most candies. I think it was more the ritual and knowing that their friends would be out- that mattered most.

On the other hand, when I was growing up, I had to cook dinner for my parents and siblings before I could even think about doing something so foolish as dressing up for Halloween. We were not allowed to go out trick or treating when we were little and my parents would not think of participating in any such nonsense. They weren't what you might call the touchy feely type. They did not get excited about the things children were excited about. They had their own agendas and they did not include children.

I recall one Halloween that I was especially looking forward to as I was being allowed to go out with some of my friends to trick or treat. I planned the whole day so that I wouldn't do anything wrong or that I would upset my parents in any way. I had chores to do after school as usual. I also had to make dinner. Dinner was to include white rice and I went diligently about preparing the meal on time so that I could wear my costume and be ready when my parents came home from work.

Well, we were all in for a surprise. You see, I used a strong cleaner to clean the pot I cooked the rice in and did not rinse well enough. The outcome was that when dinner was served my rice tasted like something similar to Lysol and boy was my mother angry! She made me clean the pot again and start over after she slapped me across the face while belittling me for not paying attention to what I was doing. Needless to say, I did not get to go out that night! I was heart broken but, I can laugh now however, then was a different story.

Another vivid memory I have was back in Oct. of 1956. At the time, my parents were the superintendents of a six apartment building in Newark, NJ where I grew up. My mother was also very pregnant with my brother (who is now a State Senator in Illinois). Imagine that! Anyway, you guessed it, it was Halloween night and my siblings and I were left home alone to fend for ourselves while my father took mom to the hospital.

We were so intrigued by what was going on outside and went from window to window watching the children trick or treating in their bright colored costumes with their parents by their side. Some how, one of us got the idea to make our own candy to pass out to the kids who knocked on our door. We didn't have anything to give the kids and remember we were kids ourselves. Well, we had lots of Bazooka bubblegum rappers. Our neighbor worked at a candy factory and would give us candy from time to time. My older brother, myself and two younger siblings proceeded to rap small pieces of white bar soap into the bubble gum rapper and as the kids came knocking we passed out our version of Halloween goodies. Now while this seemed mean spirited believe me when I tell you that we did not mean it to be. We felt left out and you know children when left to their own devises?

There was a lesson, however, in those two examples of my Halloween experiences. Let me see, they both involved soap. They both involved me. You know something I believe in Karma. I paid for the mischief of placing soap in bubblegum rappers. Oh well, those kids never knew who gave them the soap..........at least I don't think so. Oh, have I told you the one about feeding my brothers mud pies and telling them they were chocolate?

Next time, I will be telling you about some of my current exploits.......see you soon!!
Angiez
Here is a nice treat for you:
http://www.cookiesafterours.com

2008-09-25T21:27:00.000-04:00

The Story Continues......

I can't believe how quickly time flies..........It's been more than a year since I've blogged! So much has happened, we sold our house (yes in this economy),bought a new house, became a new grandmother again #7, moved my son and his family including new grandbaby to Florida, and my darling husband was fired from his job. They called it downsizing........downsizing my foot, and I've started new Internet businesses all while recuperating from the dreaded back surgery (refer to my previous blog). Now, don't misunderstand me, I'm no martyr.While I have been suffering excruciating pain and discomfort since I had surgery in 2004, I will admit that I have had a little pain relief thanks to Dr. Pain Pills..........If you know what I mean. All very legal and necessary. Anyway, I feel the need to vent so here goes........

In this last year, I have learned that I am a very strong woman. Not only strong physically but, mentally as well. I learned that I can do anything and experience anything and that in the end I will be OK. It has taken me some 50 years to come to the realization that I was born to live a challenging and tumultuous life! Forgive me if I sound like a victim - I promise you I am NOT at all a victim. I am a SURVIVOR!!!!

In my previous Blog, I was telling you about about my upbringing. I was raised in a very strict Catholic home with two parents, a mother who was emotionally absent and a father well, lets just say he was alcoholically challenged. I grew up with a house full of siblings, 4 brothers and 2 sisters. A total of 7 including myself. I am the second eldest and the eldest of the sisters. I was a very sensitive child and at the same time I was hard as nails. When you grow up in a latino household, as the eldest daughter I was expected to do many chores as well as take care of my siblings. Most of the time I was trying to outrun my father who was always drunk and for some reason he always felt compelled to physically abuse and torture me. I was so afraid of him that I dreaded being in the same room with him. There is a lot that I could tell you but, I won't due to the bad memories and the pain it still causes me to even think about those days.That is no exaggeration! Anyway, I managed to be an excellent student and found a safe haven in my school work and school activities.If there was something going on after school, I found a way to participate so that I wouldn't have to go home in the hopes of avoiding my father. I would get home in time to prepare dinner before my mother got home from work. My hard work at school paid off as I was consistently on the Honor Roll and graduated from High School with a 3.7 gpa. Little did I know that mydisfunctional upbringing would haunt me all thru my adult life and that mentally I would continue to try to "outrun" my father................to be continued.

I promise that I will write again very soon.

Good Night!
Angiez
Check out one of my businesses - enjoy!
http://www.ShopToEarn.net/angelz

2007-08-30T13:22:00.000-04:00

When I decided to start a blog, I thought that it would come easy. The words would flow and I would be up and running. Well, that was months ago. This is my first effort. I try to sit down and think about subjects I could tackle or just write about things that were pertinent to my life. You know... just like writing in a journal. However, instead, I get up and do laundry or vacuum the floor or anything else to put off starting. In my mind, the thoughts are flying and screaming to come out. My problem is not knowing where to begin.

The other day, while getting ready to go run errands, a sentence ran through my mind. "Accept that you are the main character in your own Story Book, that was written long before you were born". I wrote it down immediately so that I wouldn't forget. End of writers block!! Now, I have a beginning. If I am the main character, and my story was pre-written, no matter what I think is going to happen next, may or may not be true. Stay with me now. I know this sounds way too philosophical or hocus pocus. I have learned as I mature, that their are no coincidences. Even though we think that things just happen to us and we accept the cards dealt to us, maybe we have free will and can edit some of the pages of our own Story Book I'd like to tell you more about myself and also explore the idea that we are acting out or in the Story Book of our lives.

I am a stay at home married lady with 2 beautiful poodles Sissy 5 and Missy "puppy" 6 months old. Our human children are all grown and out of the house living in other areas. I have a loving wonderful husband who adores me and provides very well for us. We live in the beautiful state of Florida. This is the happiest time of my life! Not bad for the little Puerto Rican girl from New Jersey who grew up poor with an abusive father. But more on that later. I'm getting ahead of myself. Never in my wildest dreams, did I image that my life would turn out this way. Let me show you an example of the kinds of hiccups which have occurred in my life.

You see, last year I had major surgery to remove a cancerous tumor from the lower back. I only went to the doctor to find out why my back was hurting so much and so often. I figured he would prescribe pain pills and send me home. Well, several tests and MRIs found the cause for the pain and then some...........Not only did I have the normal arthritis and disk problems that go along with aging but, I also had a large tumor that needed to come out! Long story short, a year later I recuperated well and still need to have yearly tests. The operation was a success. Now here is where it gets interesting. The name of the cancerous tumor was astrocytoma low grade. That is very rare to have such a tumor in your spine. It usually appears in the brain. My husband was a widower when I met him 4 years ago. His wife died from a brain tumor-AN ASTROCYTOMA! Now, what are the chances of that happening? Coincidence? I think not! I know what you're thinking........his previous wife died from cancer and now I was treated for the same thing????
I believe I will live a long time. Well, I will continue with what I believe-next time............